Alan Fadling: Notes from my Journey

A Good Word: Our Souls Need to Catch Up

2009-05-31T05:00:00.000-07:00

“The story is told of a South American tribe that went on a long march, day after day, when all of a sudden they would stop walking, sit down to rest for a while, and then make camp for a couple of days before going any farther. They explained that they needed the time of rest so that their souls could catch up with them.” (Wayne Muller. Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in our Busy Lives. New York: Bantam Books, `1999, p. 70.)

In what ways might your soul be running behind your pace of life these days? How might God be inviting you to stop, rest, and let your inner life catch up with your outer life?

Living More in Grace 2

2009-05-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

(Continuing part one of these reflections)

I long for a church community where there is a culture of grace--where the ongoing need of grace would be the assumption, rather than the exception. In such a culture, the pressure to keep up appearances and look good to others would diminish. We would not be embarrassed to admit our specific need of grace because this would be an acknowledged and shared reality in all of our lives.

What good news I find in the two words “He lifts”! I’m grateful that God sees the needy and doesn’t despise or turn away from them. Instead, He reaches to them and lifts them. My realized needs can cause me to feel downcast or discouraged. God raises me up from lowly places and brings me to higher places.

The lowly places sometimes feel like “the ash heap.” Job was on the ash heap as a place of deep mourning, grieving and pain. The ash heap is the place where things come to their worst. An ash heap is a place of death—the fire has died, the logs have all burned away and all that is left is the waste and debris. Sitting there among the ashes, I can feel just as used up and burnt-out. Among the ashes may be dead dreams, dead hopes, and perhaps even dead works. The word of hope to me is that God is the One who takes us from ash heaps and seats us on thrones. What an unlikely, but God-honoring progression. Such honor and authority is much more obviously the work of God, rather than the outcome of my striving, conniving or manipulating. God raises the dead to places of real life. What grace!

The Leadership Institute

A Good Word: Learning to Live Our Questions

2009-05-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

“There is something wrong with the questions that are supposed to be disposed of by answers…. They think that when you have answers you no longer have questions. And they want the greatest possible number of answers, the smallest number of questions. The ideal is to have no more questions. Then when you have no questions you have ‘peace.’ On the other hand the more you simply stand with questions all sticking in your throat at once, the more you unsettle the ‘peace’ of those who think they have swallowed all the answers. The questions cause one to be nauseated by answers. This is a healthy state, but not acceptable. Hence I am nauseated by answers and nauseated by optimism. There is an optimism which cheapens Christianity and makes it absurd, empties it. It is silly, petty optimism which consists in being secure because one knows the right answers.” (Thomas Merton. The Courage for Truth. New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1993, p. 75)

Merton has some strong words, to say the least, about an orientation to life that only seek to answer questions rather than live the mystery of our deepest questions. For what questions have you been expecting answers from God when perhaps He has been inviting you to simply remain with Him in the midst of those questions?

The Leadership Institute

Living More in Grace 1

2009-05-28T05:00:00.001-07:00

Often, my journaling takes me to places of reflecting on what it means to "live grace" along the way. Part of me has oddly expected that my need for grace would somehow diminish over time, that I would "get things together" more and more until my daily need for grace was a distant memory from my more "immature years" as a Christian. Maybe my reflections below will help you reflect on your own grace journey.

1 Samuel 2:6-8

“The LORD brings death and makes alive;

he brings down to the grave and raises up.

The LORD sends poverty and wealth;

he humbles and he exalts.

He raises the poor from the dust

and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

he seats them with princes

and has them inherit a throne of honor.

“For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s;

upon them he has set the world.

As I reflect on Hannah's humble prayer, I realize that there are some things God sends that I don't really like. For example, I only want God to send poverty to the "bad guys," but sometimes your faithful people have lived with little as well.

Paul shared with the Philippians that he had learned deep contentment right in the middle of unfulfilled needs, unmet hungers and unaddressed wants (Philippians 4:10-12). I find contentment easier when I am circumstantially satisfied. Who wouldn’t! It seems God allows a great variety of welcome and unwelcome places in my spiritual journey so that I learn that He alone is my Portion and Treasure.

Praying: “Father, You are also the One Who humbles and exalts each one as You wish. Recently, I was talking with a friend about the hunger for honor and recognition I find often rising up within me. I forget that true honor comes from You. Can I come to rest here? Enable me to recognize that You alone give true honor. May my honor come as my life, by Your grace, comes to honor You more and more.”

“He lifts the needy from the ash heap.” I don't like that phrase "the needy." I'm happy to have a random need here or there, but I surely don't want to think of myself as needy. I don't want to admit that I have many needs or deep needs. I'm slowly learning, though, that my needs are where I receive grace. Grace seeks places of brokenness, weakness and emptiness to touch, heal and fill. Can I learn to boast, with Paul, about my weaknesses, rather than always trying to show off what I think are my strengths (2 Corinthians 12:10)?

(I’ll share part two of these reflections in a couple of days)

A Good Word: Real Life is NOW

2009-05-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

“Sabbath challenges the theology of progress by reminding us that we are already and always on sacred ground. The gifts of grace and delight are present and abundant; the time to live and love and give thanks and rest and delight is now, this moment, this day. Feel what heaven is like; have a taste of eternity. Rest in the arms of the divine. We do not have miles to go before we sleep. The time to sleep, to rest, is now. We are already home.” (Wayne Muller. Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in our Busy Lives. New York: Bantam Books, `1999, p. 79.)

What anxieties, fears, regrets or frustrations have tempted you to attempt the impossible—living in the past or in the future? How do you wish to be present to the God of grace NOW and enter more deeply into His generous presence?

The Leadership Institute

Moving My Blog to WordPress

2009-05-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I began moving this "Notes from my Journey" blog from Blogger to WordPress. That migration is almost complete. I've been wanting to consolidate my personal ministry pages and my blog into one site.

Soon, if you point to either http://www.alanfadling.com/ or http://www.fadling.com/ , they will both point to my new blog site at:

http://alanfadling.wordpress.com/

If you have been subscribed by email to this blog, there will only be a few more posts coming from Blogger. Until the end of May, I am double posting to both blog sites. After that, this site will no longer have any posts to send out via email. All past posts have already been archived in the new blog site.

If you don't want to receive further email posts from this blog, you can simply do nothing and you will stop receiving email posts after the end of May.

If you'd like to continue receiving new posts by email, you will need to subscribe to the new WordPress blog via this link:

Subscribe to the new "Notes from my Journey" WordPress blog by Email

Remember, when you subscribe, you'll be sent a email with a link that you need to click to confirm your subscription request. This is a security measure to prevent anyone being added to unwanted lists.

I will send out another couple of reminders about this since by the end of June, in case some don't this first one.

I think you'll like the new site. Check it out when you have a moment. (Oh, and the header image is from a picture Gem shot at the San Juan Capistrano Mission. I really like it).

Hearing God

2009-05-26T05:00:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I posted a quotation about the Holy Spirit being the most intelligent source of information available to us.

A friend then raised a question about hearing God’s voice: “Does God really speak to anyone who seeks to hear His voice? Are there some who long to hear but don’t? Does God promise that anyone who listens for Him will hear Him?”

I have found John 10 to be a passage that speaks to this question. The simplest statement of Jesus along these lines is verse 27:

My sheep listen to my voice;

I know them,

and they follow me.

One of my mentors, Wayne Anderson, taught from John 10 often to prepare retreat groups for a few hours of solitude, silence and listening prayer. He saw this passage as an invitation to anyone who wanted to enter more deeply into a conversational, interactive relationship with God through Christ. In John 10:2-5, Jesus makes His invitation even plainer:

2 The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."

Jesus’ sheep (His people) listen to the voice of the shepherd (Jesus Himself). They know His voice. They follow Him because they recognize His voice. I don’t see this as a guilt trip for those who have sought to hear God but haven’t sensed Him speaking, but rather an invitation to never give up listening.

In my experience of leading silent retreat times over nearly twenty years, there have been some along the way who had a hard time sensing God’s presence or hearing His voice. I don’t have an easy answer for that experience. Perhaps God was stretching some to listen with less personal agenda and more openness to His agenda. If we listen with our own focused agenda, we can miss when God is speaking “off topic,” so to speak.

Perhaps others expect God to speak in a specific way, and they didn’t recognize how He had been speaking to them all along in another. For others, it’s possible that they are expecting God’s voice to always be dramatic, but He may be speaking in the stillest, smallest whisper.

From my perspective as a spiritual director, I often listen together with another, asking a few questions to see how I might help them notice how God is present, working and speaking in their lives.

My wife, Gem, recently had an interesting experience. For years, she’s had a song in her mind when she woke up and never thought much about it. She loves music. It wasn’t until recently, that she began to wonder if the songs she woke up to every morning might actually be God’s gift to her. She had moved right past them before. As she began to pay attention them, they became a meaningful encounter place with God. Sometimes learning to discern God’s voice is a matter of realizing God is always present and always pursuing us. We may need to learn how to notice how that is true in our own journey.

YouTube: N. T. Wright on Reason

2009-05-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

Here's another posting of a video clip from N. T. Wright that came from a recent pastor's retreat in Southern California. He's not called by many a theological rock star for nothing. Check this out!

A Good Word: The Necessary Wisdom of Dormancy

2009-05-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

On this Memorial Day which, for many, is a day off, I thought the following word about Sabbath space was appropriate:

“Sabbath honors the necessary wisdom of dormancy. If certain plant species, for example, do not lie dormant for winter, they will not bear fruit in the spring. If this continues for more than a season, the plant begins to die. If dormancy continues to be prevented, the entire species will die. A period of rest--in which nutrition and fertility most reality coalesce--is not simply a human psychological convenience; it is a spiritual and biological necessity.” (Wayne Muller. Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in our Busy Lives. New York: Bantam Books, 1999, p. 7.)

Our culture doesn’t usually recognize the necessary wisdom of dormancy—of moments, days, even seasons when the goal is rest, enrichment, refreshment.

How might God be inviting you to times and seasons of holy dormancy?

Praying My Life Honestly 2

2009-05-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I posted the first half of this reflection on Psalm 74.

⁹ How long, O God, will the adversary scoff? *

will the enemy blaspheme your Name for ever?

¹⁰ Why do you draw back your hand? *

why is your right hand hidden in your bosom?

¹¹ Yet God is my King from ancient times, *

victorious in the midst of the earth.

¹² You divided the sea by your might *

and shattered the heads of the dragons upon the waters;

From a place where I sometimes feel the reality of an enemy presence more than I feel God’s, I cry out a “how long” prayer. A holy restlessness rises up in me. I want to throttle that enemy. I want to ask God, “How long will he continue to curse Your name and ridicule Your kingdom work within me? Why don’t You go on the offensive? Why does it feel like I am helpless and hopeless when I know that You are God Who is mighty to save?”

My turning point comes in verse 11 with the tiniest little word—yet. I turn my eyes from the evidence of my own broken history to the much more ancient and sure story of Your righteous, compassionate reign. You have never abandoned Your people, even when in love You disciplined them. Asaph remembers the miracle at the Red Sea. Dragons may frighten me, but God will shatter their heads. “Father, shatter and crush the head of the snake who continues to seek my destruction. Show him no mercy.”

¹⁷ Remember, O Lord, how the enemy scoffed, *

how a foolish people despised your Name.

¹⁸ Do not hand over the life of your dove to wild beasts;*

never forget the lives of your poor.

¹⁹ Look upon your covenant; *

the dark places of the earth are haunts of violence.

²⁰ Let not the oppressed turn away ashamed; *

let the poor and needy praise your Name.

²¹ Arise, O God, maintain your cause; *

remember how fools revile you all day long.

²² Forget not the clamor of your adversaries, *

the unending tumult of those who rise up against you.

Lord, don’t ever forget the countless blasphemies of my enemy. Forgive me when I have foolishly participated in making little of You instead of magnifying You. Sometimes, I live like You were on vacation instead right there with me.

Please don’t let my enemy devour my life and my work. Don’t forget the impoverished places of my life. Remember Your promises, Father. Provide for us. Heal us. Restore us. Never let us be put to public shame and ridicule. Lift us up and exalt us from our place of humiliation. Shine Your light in our dark places. Help me remember what has been long buried if that is what I need. Lift my chin to remember and praise Your name. Take action, Father. Show the might and wisdom of Your work in me. Don’t forget that the evil one continues to attack and seek my destruction. He wants to paralyze me from the good works You’ve prepared for me in mercy and grace.

So hear my prayer, Father. Grant my request. May I see evidence of Your action today. Amen.

The Leadership Institute

A Good Word: The Holy Spirit an Intelligent Source of Information

2009-05-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

“We accept as commonplace a man’s voice carried by radio to the uttermost parts of the Earth. Why not the voice of the living God as an active, creative force in every home, every business, every parliament?…

The Holy Spirit is the most intelligent source of information in the world today. He has the answer to every problem. Everywhere when men will let him, he is teaching them how to live… Divine guidance must become the normal experience of ordinary men and women. Any man can pick up divine messages if he will put his receiving set in order. Definite, accurate, adequate information can come from the Mind of God to the minds of men. This is normal prayer.” (Buchman, Frank. The Revolutionary Path. London: Grosvenor, 1975, p. 2-3. Quoted in Thomas, Gary L. Sacred Parenting. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004, p. 63.)

Where are you needing direction today? Insight? Wisdom? How might God’s Spirit desire to give this as a gift to you as you come to listen to Him today?

(By the way, Dallas Willard’s new book Knowing Christ Today speaks intelligently and compelling along the lines of God’s Spirit being a source of intelligent information.)

The Leadership Institute

Remembering a Spiritual Mentor

2009-05-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

This morning at 8:20am, a dozen of us went out of Newport Beach on Doug Ayres’ boat to scatter the ashes of Wayne Anderson. (There is a page on the Institute website with information from memorial services for Wayne held in October 2008).

Wayne was one of the four founding faculty of The Leadership Institute, the ministry I’ve served for 12 years. Wayne introduced me to the practice of solitude, silence and prayer. He called such times an EPC (“Extended Personal Communion” with God). So much of my retreat ministry (Come Away days and Unhurried Days with Jesus, to name two ministry processes) is really a tribute to Wayne’s ministry in my own life.

Wayne was a milestone influencer in my life. Every day I write in my journal is a testament to Wayne because on page 1 are my notes from a presentation on John 10 that Wayne gave in January 1990. He prepared us for 75 minutes of EPC. That’s as long as he felt we could handle at the time…and he was right! (I’m writing the draft of this blog post on page 5273 of that same journal, nearly 20 years later.)

Wayne didn’t introduce me to the idea of solitude and silence with God. Dallas Willard and Richard Foster did that through their books, Celebration of Discipline and The Spirit of the Disciplines. I had read both of those books before meeting Wayne. What Wayne did was provide and guide me into an actual place and time set aside to be alone and quiet with God. Those 75 minutes that he offered a small group of ministry leaders changed the direction of my life and ministry. In a sense, Wayne rescued me from the tragedy of unpracticed insight.

If you’d like to view a dozen images of the informal at-sea service, please go to an online photo gallery that my wife, Gem, has posted. Click on the gallery simply titled “Wayne.” They are simple, beautiful images. I hope they are meaningful, especially to those of you who knew and loved Wayne.

And thanks to many who have Facebooked or tweeted words of encouragement and prayer today. They have really helped.

The Leadership Institute

Praying My Life Honestly 1

2009-05-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

I posted a little piece on the biblical practice of lament a few days ago. One of the many psalms of lament is Psalm 74. I spent some time recently reading it in the Book of Common Prayer and responding.

¹ O God, why have you utterly cast us off? *

why is your wrath so hot against the sheep of your pasture?

² Remember your congregation that you purchased long ago, *

the tribe you redeemed to be your inheritance,

and Mount Zion where you dwell.

I know what “cast off” feels like. There have been seasons when I have felt forgotten by the One Who purchased my life so long ago, my Redeemer. Sometimes my life feels like it’s worth pocket change. Sometimes I can’t seem to find the presence of God anywhere. Lament gives me a chance to express these feelings, and often to find my way to a trust in the reality of God’s presence in spite of what my feelings are telling me. Ignoring what’s actually in my heart does not make it go away. Expressing those feelings honestly toward God brings them into His healing light. How does the psalm writer go on from here?

³ Turn your steps toward the endless ruins; *

the enemy has laid waste everything in your sanctuary.

⁴ Your adversaries roared in your holy place; *

they set up their banners as tokens of victory.

⁵ They were like men coming up with axes to a grove of trees; *

they broke down all your carved work with hatchets and hammers.

The psalm writer grieves over a ruined temple. Perhaps he remembers better days when, instead of a playground for enemies it was a holy pace to encounter God in awe.

How does this speak to my life—our lives—as God’s temple? There are times when can recognize God’s having made Himself at home in this very body. I’m amazed and humbled.

Other times, I feel like my body is overrun by enemies who are having their way. The enemy of my soul seeks to ruin my life. He sometimes lays waste my emotions, my convictions, my hopes. His voice mocks me in triumph. He intends to lay waste what has taken so long to grow.

(I’ll share the other half of this reflection in a couple of days).

The Leadership Institute

A Good Word: Sabbath Requires Surrender

2009-05-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

“Sabbath requires surrender. If we only stop when we are finished with all our work, we will never stop--because our work is never completely done…. If we refuse rest until we are finished, we will never rest until we die. Sabbath dissolves the artificial urgency of our days, because it liberates us from the need to be finished.” (Wayne Muller. Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in our Busy Lives. New York: Bantam Books, `1999, p. 82-83.)

In what ways do you identify with Muller’s phrase “artificial urgency”? How is God inviting you to step away from your work to enjoy rest and communion with Him regularly?

The Leadership Institute

Collecting Maps or Making a Journey

2009-05-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

There is much being said and written about knowing God intimately--of enjoying a close relationship with Him. Jean-Pierre de Caussade, an Ignatian spiritual director from the early 18th century, had much to share with those he guided in the ways of surrendering to God's leadership in their lives. His guidance has helped me many times over the last fifteen years since I first discovered him.

As you read the quotation and reflections below, I pray that out of His glorious riches that God may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith (Ephesians 3:16-17).

“Come, then, not to know the map of the land of the spirit, but to possess it and be at home in it without fear of losing your way. Come, not to study the theory of divine grace, not to learn what it has done through the ages and is doing today, but in order to be the simple subjects of its operations. You have no need to know the words it has taught others and to repeat them cleverly; grace will give you words which will be your own.” (Jean-Pierre de Caussade. Self-Abandonment to Divine Providence. Rockford, IL: TAN Books and Publishers, Inc., 1959, 1741, p. 39)

Rather than share some thoughts about this, I’d rather just pray in response and, if you don’t mind, invite you to join me:

“Father, I don’t just want to know about a deeper spiritual life with You, how it happens and what it looks like. I read so many books of Christian spirituality. Sometimes it's like collecting cookbooks, but forgetting to follow and enjoy the recipes. How often am I still guilty of being satisfied with knowing about You, rather than continuing to cultivate a living encounter with You? I probably stop at knowing about You because it feels less risky. I can live with the illusion of being in control of what I am learning.

“I want to experience You and be at home with You. I want to know my way around Your kingdom because I’ve been living in it. I don’t want the Christian life to merely be of historical interest to me, but also to be a history that is being written now by the hand of Christ on the tablet of my life.

“I wonder if some of what de Caussade talks about here is similar to the difference between the teaching and authority of Jesus as compared to the Jewish religious leaders of his day. In Luke 4:31-37, Jesus is teaching in the Capernaum synagogue one Sabbath. The people notice a difference between Jesus and the rabbis to whom they usually listened. Jesus had a different kind of authority. It wasn't simply the authority of being able to quote the historical experts or the clout of being a recognized rabbi at the time. His life, his ministry, his teaching carried spiritual authority that was palpable and powerful. Jesus' life and teaching made an impact on spiritual realities.

“Father, to what degree does my life, by Your Spirit in me, impact the spiritual realities around me? To what degree am I just thinking about, singing about, reading about, or studying about You, Your kingdom and Your righteousness as opposed to living in You and You in me?

“I don't want to be merely a "map expert". I don't want to stop at only knowing about the scriptures. I long to be in intimate fellowship with the God Who speaks. It's easy to say, but harder to live. May I come to be at home in You and with You. May I increasingly be the simple subject of Your operations of grace in and through me. Enable me to live in constant encounter with You, knowing You firsthand, rather than merely at a historical distance. May Your grace give me Your words for Your people. Again I humbly offer my life for your purposes. Apart from You, I produce a lot of nothing! I find myself deeply grateful for your grace, Father. Amen.

What’s Better Than Your Thousand Best Days?

2009-05-19T18:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we opened a leadership gathering reflecting together on Psalm 84 (one of my favorites). Below are a few meaningful insights I gained from this psalm:

3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young —
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

God provides a special place even for the smallest and the least in His creation. No one and nothing is outside His provision and care.

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

Pilgrimage. These words describe the experience of being on the way somewhere. They are journeying on a path on the way to a place (the temple in Zion). Where am I journeying? What is my destination? I’m encouraged that I will grow stronger as I draw nearer to God.

As these pilgrims make their way through the Valley of Baca (a place of dryness or tears), they make it a place of springs. Instead of being overcome by the hard place they travel, they transform that hard place through God’s gracious presence. God with me can make the dry places refreshing.

10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

One thousand days from today would be February 13, 2012. I would be coming up on my 51st birthday. It would be better for me to have only one day in the graced beauty of God’s compassionate presence than to have the most favorable circumstances I can imagine between now and then. Do I believe this?

“I would rather be a doorkeeper…” This pilgrim would rather have the ‘nobodiest’ job in God’s house than the very best ‘somebody’ position anywhere else.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

12 O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

God is always generous. It is never His desire to hold anything back from us that is truly good. I am the one who creates barriers and blocks to fully receiving His grace. God is a giver of favor and honor. He is always shining and protecting, but I am sometimes hiding and running from His care.

A life of blessing comes as I linger with and trust God more and more fully.

A Good Word: Too Busy Serving to Listen

2009-05-19T05:00:00.001-07:00

“We stand on dangerous ground if we ever let service to God crowd out our time of listening to God. Gordon Smith, in his fine book On the Way, writes quite bluntly, ‘It is inconceivable to think that God would give us so much to do that we can no longer spend extended time with Him. Listening doesn’t detract from our service; it empowers it.” (Thomas, Gary L. Sacred Parenting. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004, p. 64.)

Gordon Smith points out a common temptation for those whose paid work is in the arena of ministry, but many of you reading this blog are, I'm sure, very involved ministering with your church.

In what ways, if any, have you been tempted to focus more on what you do for God than on how you are with God in relationship?

Asking a Fish About the Water

2009-05-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

A few sketchy thoughts about paradigms. It’sour operative worldview. It’s the collection of submerged assumptions, expectations and deep, actual beliefs (as opposed to merely professed ones) that direct how we think, feel, choose and act. A paradigm is bigger than our conscious awareness and hard to verbalize.

What we’ve discovered is that our paradigms are transformed in the context of both solitude and community. We learn to see our lives differently in the unhurried presence of God. We also learn to see our lives differently when we share them honestly and prayerfully with others.

When it comes to helping leaders discern and transform their paradigms, we rarely start at the level of information and concept, but at the level of experience (personal and communal). We live a new paradigm together with leaders we train, then explain we begin to explain it.

Even writing a blog entry about this stuff is like eating corn on the cob with tweezers. It takes a long time to get anywhere…

You probably have your own thoughts about this stuff. I’d love to learn from you…

A Good Word: Spiritual "Control Freaks"

2009-05-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

“Our constant struggle with the issue of control is a crucial part of our spiritual pilgrimage. I don’t mind spiritual formation at all as long as I can be in control of it. As long as I can set the limits on its pace and its direction, I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is getting my control structures out of the way of my spiritual formation and letting God take control. In the final analysis, there is nothing we can do to transform ourselves into persons who love and serve as Jesus did except make ourselves available for God to do that work of transforming grace in our lives.” (M. Robert Mulholland. Invitation to a Journey. Downer's Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1993, p. 26.)

“Spiritual disciplines are the act of releasing ourselves in a constant manner to God, opening those doors in a regular way to allow God transforming work in our lives.” (p. 38.)

Where are some of the surrender and self-abandonment places to which God has been lovingly inviting you most recently? How are you responding? Receptive and responsive? Fearful and resistant?

Resistance is usually a doorway into something more God wants to give us, but the unfamiliarity of the path makes us fearful to walk it.

A Little Writer's Block

2009-05-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

Just read a story about a writer named William Stafford who claimed never to have experienced writer’s block. He said that whenever he felt it coming on, he just lowered his standards.

My own places of writer’s block may just be a kind of pride that I should be able, at any given moment, to write timelessly inspired prose that will be read by Christians centuries from now. As if Michelangelo could have painted a masterwork like the Sistine Chapel in a week. That work took him four years. He was gifted, but he was also a hard worker. Creativity requires hard work. It can be grinding. I am unrealistic in my expectations when I expect to somehow write a book as divine dictation.

In the writing work I’ve been doing, there are moments when I can feel inspiration, or write a sentence or two that I really like. Many other times, though, I feel like I’m writing the dietary equivalent of sawdust. I need to lower my standards and keep working on what God has invited me to do.

Another element of this work is paying attention to the little ideas and inspirations that come along. I have a feeling that I’ve let many little seeds go unplanted because they were unimpressive at that moment. The smallest seed, Jesus said, can grow into the largest tree. I must not judge the little things that come to me until I’ve at least made an effort to put them into words. Editing comes later.

Impatience is not a writer’s friend. The irony is that a kind of uncreative hurry is keeping me from writing on the theme of unhurry. Ridiculous!

I Get to See My Favorite Comedian Tonight!

2009-05-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight, friends of ours are taking Gem and me to see Brian Regan down in San Diego. He is the funniest and cleanest comedian I've ever heard. Never got to see him live before. What a treat!!

If you haven't already, you've got to watch this YouTube clip of him:

A Good Word: Always Expected by God

2009-05-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

“I wish that whenever you go to…prayer you may always have the strong conviction of being expected: expected by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; expected within the Family of the Trinity. For your place is ready. Remember Christ's words: ‘I am going to prepare a place for you’ (Jn 14:3). You may object that Jesus was speaking of heaven. True enough. But that is precisely what…prayer is. It is heaven, at least in its essential reality: the presence of God, the love of God, God's welcome to his child.” (Caffarel, Rev. Henri. Being Present to God: Letters on Prayer. Trans. Angeline Bouchard. New York: Alba House, 1983, p. 4.)

When we pray, do we come with a confidence that God has been expecting us…looking forward to being with us in that way?

Buy Being Present to God: Letters on Prayer on Amazon.

Where Did My Heart Go? (Part Two)

2009-05-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

When I find myself losing heart because of trying places in my journey, whether sharp crisis pain or dull, long-term perseverance-testing pain, I have lost sight of the deeper, sharper pain Jesus faced on my behalf in public opposition, private abuse and, eventually, the Cross. The book of Hebrews reminds me to "consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart (Hebrews 12:3)." Nothing I am experiencing is foreign to Jesus. He knows, understands and empathizes with all that tempts me to grow weary and lose heart. Thank You, Father, for the unimaginable expression of love You have shown me through the willing and loving sacrifice of Your Son.

Finally, when I feel that the hard places through which I'm journeying are pointless and meaningless, I have forgotten that my Heavenly Father is training me in what is good and fruitful through the discipline of adversity. As Hebrews reminds me, I find that I "have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses [me] as [a son]: ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you…' (Hebrews 12:5)."

God reminds me that He doesn't discipline anyone's children but His own. Thank You, Father, that who I am becoming matters enough to You that You train me in what is godly through the hardships I face.

Rather than losing heart, I can take heart from David's own prayer:

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

(Psalm 27:13-14 NIV)

Father, may Your Spirit's fruit of patience enable me to wait for You and find strength of heart in Your certain faithfulness to me along the way. Amen.

The Lost Practice of Lament

2009-05-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

At a recent Journey retreat, Dr. Leslie Allen, Senior Professor of Old Testament at Fuller Theological Seminary, shared a presentation on the theme of “Praying the Psalms.” One comment he made has stuck with me. He shared that more than half of the psalms are laments. I found myself wondering how it could be that if the prayer book of the church (which the psalms are often called) is so full of lament that a typical worship gathering could be so empty of such expressions. We seem to be uncomfortable with the idea that we might have something to grieve in God’s presence just as truly as we have something to rejoice over.

What might it look like to provide God’s people with shepherding in how to grieve their sorrows, their wounds, their own shortcomings and offenses (and the ways others have failed or wounded them)? Simply praying some of the psalms of lament could help. I know that in my own praying the psalms I sometimes connect emotionally with the anger, grief and sadness of the psalm writer. My own journey through therapy recently has surfaced many such places.

I found this video on YouTube as an expression of lament in song. I'd be interested in hear stories of how your worshipping community has provided space for lament in your gatherings. (As for the title, I know at least that I have much to learn about living into the real lament places of my heart).

A Good Word: A Witness of His Presence

2009-05-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

“…what would a ‘presence to the world’ amount to by witnesses who have not been in close contact with the One about whom they are to witness, by spokesmen who do not listen to the One whose message they are to transmit, by laborers who do not follow the foreman’s commands?” (Caffarel, Rev. Henri. Being Present to God: Letters on Prayer. Trans. Angeline Bouchard. New York: Alba House, 1983, p. ix.)

How is God helping me see my witness in the world as a fruit of my witness of His presence?

Buy Being Present to God: Letters on Prayer on Amazon.

Where Did My Heart Go? (Part One)

2009-05-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

Ever had a dream that has come to a place where it seems all but impossible? Ever started some spiritual pursuit with energy and enthusiasm, only to find yourself fading over time? These are a couple of practical examples of what biblical writers are talking about they speak of "losing heart."

When I have found myself losing heart, it is usually the fruit of forgetting. There is something of Who God really is or who I really am that has fallen from my attention. What are some of these forgetfulness places?

When it comes to ministry, I lose heart when I forget that I serve at the pleasure of Another. Paul reminds himself of this when he says, "since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart (2 Corinthians 4:1)." My calling and place of ministry has been a matter of God's own choosing, not mine. And God is never wrong. Remembering this awakens gratitude in me for the privilege of being one through whom God work for the blessing and benefit of others.

Sometimes I lose heart when I notice changes in my body at 48 as compared to 28. This focus on the outward misses where my identity is actually rooted. I am not primarily defined by this outward, physical life, but by my inner life with God. Paul refocuses me when he says, "we [need] not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16)." As my outer life inevitably wears down over time, who I truly am is being renewed daily. By God's grace, I am becoming inwardly more and more myself in Christ. Thank You, Father, for Your Spirit's inner work in restoring Your originally intended image of me.

(I’ll share a few more thoughts along these lines in another entry soon)

More N. T. Wright Videos (YouTube)

2009-05-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

Last week, I posted the first of a series YouTube videos from N. T. Wright on the theme of the book of Acts. On that same retreat, Wright offered answers to a number of questions raised by this group of pastors. (Below is one of seven such clips, which can be accessed here on YouTube)

A Good Word: The Parable of the Seed Sown

2009-05-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

“The seed eaten by birds is as much seed as the seed that produced a hundredfold. The snatching of the Word by the devil–and the rejection of it by the shallow and the choking of it by the worldly–all take place within the working of the kingdom, not prior to it or outside of it. It is the Word alone, and not the interference with it, that finally counts. True enough, and fittingly enough, the most obvious point in the whole parable is that the fullest enjoyment of the fruitfulness of the Word is available only to those who interfere with it least. But even in making that point, Jesus still hammers away at the sovereignty and sole effectiveness of the Word. Those on the good ground, he says, are those who simply hear the Word, accept it, and bear fruit: some thirty-, some sixty-, and some a hundredfold. It’s not that they do anything, you see; rather, it’s that they don’t do things that get in the Word’s way. It’s the Word, and the Word alone, that does all the rest.” (Robert Farrar Capon. The Parables of the Kingdom. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1985, p. 82-83.)

In what ways are you cooperating with what God has been saying to you? In what ways are you resisting...getting in the way?

Plenty in a Season of Shortage

2009-05-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

At one of our recent Come Away day retreats in Los Angeles, one of the women who came shared a psalm text that encouraged her that morning before she came:

The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
And their inheritance will endure forever.
In times of disaster they will not wither;
In days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
Psalm 37:18-19 (TNIV)

This is a good word for this season of severe recession our nation is in. Though none of us knows what famine is really like, it is a time when some, for the first time, are experiencing want and even need at a new level.

One question this text raises for me is whether or not I am one of the blameless. I don’t feel blameless. If you followed me around for 24 hours, you’d know my behavior isn’t blameless. If blamelessness is measured in terms of faithful obedience, who could stand? It’s like what I read in Psalm 130:

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,

Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness,

So that we can, with reverence, serve you.

Psalm 130:3-4 (TNIV)

I can only be blameless when I stand on the ground of God’s mercy and grace. If there is nothing for God to blame me for because I am not hiding from Him, not pretending with Him, not resisting Him, then I can stand blameless. Nothing hidden. I am blameless in union with Christ, and so I have a secure, lasting inheritance (unlike any human inheritance), confidence in the midst of disaster and plenty in the face of a season of famine. Our family will have all that we need and more, even as our nation suffers deep financial trouble.

A Good Word: A Definition of Spiritual Direction

2009-05-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

“I define spiritual direction as the interaction between one person, trained to listen for the movement of God, and another who desires to develop and cultivate an intimate, personal relationship with God. This process requires commitment to openness and honesty.” (Tisdale, Theresa Clement, Carrie E. Doehring, and Veneta Lorraine-Poirier. "Three Voices, One Song: A Psychologist, Spiritual Director, And Pastoral Counselor Share Perspectives On Providing Care." Journal of Psychology & Theology. Spring 2003, p. 53.)

From whom are you receiving such a relationship? To whom are you extending such a relationship.

(Let me know at alan@tli.cc if I can serve you in such a way...I'm cultivating more and more phone and video Skype spiritual direction relationships these days. New technologies and ancient practices meet).

Online Resource: Dealing with Attachments You Can't Open

2009-05-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

Today, I received documents produced by Microsoft Publisher from two different friends. I'm on a Mac and don't have access to that program. So I searched a little and found an online resource: Doc2PDF Online. I uploaded my .pub files and they emailed back PDFs within moments. Very, very helpful site. FYI...

YouTube: N. T. Wright on the Book of Acts

2009-05-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

N. T. Wright did some teaching from the book of Acts for the pastors of the Los Ranchos Presbytery at the Serra Retreat. Below is the first block of that material. You can review the series (currently seven clips) here.

Unaccountable Love

2009-05-08T05:00:00.000-07:00

Continuing the theme of “pricelessness” from the last post:

“If you would only say to yourself that Jesus is absolutely lovable, quite apart from all that you are or are not, and that in consequence you have always the right to love Him in your heart, even if you cannot always succeed in loving Him by acts; then you would be in the Truth. If you would say to yourself firmly that Jesus is unbelievably and unimaginably loving, and that His love does not vary with the variations of your soul, you would be in the Truth.” (Abbé Henri de Tourville. Letters of Direction. Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing, 1939, 2001, p. 62.)

Two spiritual facts that Abbé Henri offers here are 1) that no one is more lovable than Jesus and 2) that no one is more loving. That’s how I read it. His being loving and lovable is in no way tied to my ability to be loved or to love Him back. He is not dependent on my initiative or my response to simply be Who He is. He just is beautifully lovable and utterly loving. So much of human love is conditioned on the degree to which it is reciprocated or at least received. My soul inconsistency doesn’t cause God’s steady love to falter.

“Go bankrupt! Let our Lord love you without justice! Say frankly, 'He loves me because I do not deserve it; that is the wonderful thing about Him; and that is why I, in my turn, love Him as well as I can without worrying whether I deserve to be allowed to love Him. He loves me although I am not worthy; I love Him without being worthy to love.'” (p. 63.)

A Good Word: Family Rhythms

2009-05-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

Here and there, I want to share an excerpt from current or recent reading without a lot of comment. Sometimes it will be a biblical word. Other times it will be an excerpt from a good book.

There are so many goodies I come across, but sometimes I don't post them because I have the time to reflect and journal my own response. I'll leave that to you. Those posts will be titled "A Good Word..." And here's the first:

“Daily schedules and disciplines are necessary in every family. We are designed by God to live rhythmic lives. In the beginning there was light and there was darkness, there was evening and there was morning, there was work and there was rest, there was a time alone and time together. ‘God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning—the sixth day…By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from his work’ (Genesis 1:31; 2:2). The pattern of God’s creation is one of creative order through a daily and weekly rhythm.” (Robinson, David. The Family Cloister. New York: The Crossroad Publishing Co., 2000, p. 118.)

What rhythms does your family practice? Which ones are life-giving? Which aren't?

Possessing the Priceless

2009-05-06T07:24:00.000-07:00

Lectio: "How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! • people take refuge in the shadow of your wings." (Ps 36:7 TNIV)

Priceless. Something priceless is too valuable to put a monetary value on it. To price it would be to cheapen it. I can compare prices on computers, or a pound of coffee, or a new car. But what about love? Peace? Joy?

God’s unfailing love is priceless. I can’t buy it. I can’t earn it. I don’t have enough to deserve it. And His love for me is beyond accounting.

How do I respond to possessing the priceless love of my Father? How will I respond today? I will not live as though resources are scarce. Though the priced has been squeezed in the midst of this economy, I am a possessor of the priceless. No economy on earth can touch His priceless affection, delight and concern.

Time is Love, Time is Money

2009-05-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

At a recent Journey retreat, Paul Jensen led us in a group interaction contrasting two different views of time. One sees time as money. Efficiency is the bottom line. The other sees time as a way of showing love. Here were some of the contrasts our group came up with…

Time is Money / Time is Love

40 hours / vacation

Quantative / Qualitative

Pressure / room to breathe

Earned / grace/unearned

Machine / human

Deadlines / flexible

Left brain / Right brain

Standing up / Sitting down

Material / immaterial

Profit / people

Basketball / Baseball

Measurable / Immeasurable

Closed door / Open door

Value / Valuable

Deserving / Undeserving

Does God Really Like You?

2009-05-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

The question at the title of this blog entry is a powerful one. Typically, my take on the question would be “God would really like me if…” That sentence ends in any number of ways—if I was more faithful, more active, more upright, more something. That’s why I appreciated re-reading this little goodie from a spiritual director of a couple of centuries ago:

“Say to yourself, ‘I please God just as I am at this moment,’ and that even while taking your moral wretchedness into account. For there is no state of soul in which God does not make great allowances for our infirmities, thus showing His indulgence and His mercy. We must accept this, not proudly, but with loving gratitude and a growing sense of the loving-kindness of our Lord.” (Abbé Henri de Tourville. Letters of Direction. Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing, 1939, 2001, p. 51-52.)

I cannot rest in my moral uprightness. I can’t rest in my own faithfulness or obedience. I cannot find rest anywhere but in God alone (Psalm 62).

Abba is urging me to realize that His pleasure in me is not rooted in my own character but in His. He is merciful. He just is. The classic Jesus prayer makes more and more sense as a simple, focused prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me a sinner.”

Growing in Love for God

2009-05-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

I am a reader of old books. Sometimes old obscure books. It's part of how I'm wiring. I guess I'm like a prospector who loves looking for treasure where no one else is looking.

Today, I've been reading a book by Shirley Carter Hughson, With Christ in God. Here was something really good I just found:

“One of the best methods of cultivating a loving spirit is to acquire the habit of making acts of love and praise to God frequently during the day. Begin the day with a resolution to speak lovingly to our Lord often. The simpler such prayers are, the better. Such as the following have been used by many souls with great profit:

“Jesus, I love You, and I want to love You more.

Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You.

I will love You, O Lord my strength.

O sent out Your light and Your truth that they may lead me.

O God, You are my God; early I will seek You.

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me praise His Holy Name.

I will magnify You, O God my King, and I will praise Your Name forever and ever.

[I simplified the language even further since he wrote them in King James language]
(Hughson, Shirley Carter. With Christ in God. New York: Holy Cross Press, 1947, p. 184.)

A Grace-Based Choice

2009-04-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Grace continues to be a significant theme in my spiritual journey. But so much of me still resists the generosity of God. There is still so much of the childish "I-can-do-it-myself" bent in me.

Romans 11:5-6, “So too, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.”

It was this phrase “chosen by grace” that caught me. So much of my own choosing is still a matter of works rather than grace. I tend to assume at a gut-level that God’s choice of me runs along the same lines. Father, You have chosen me not because of my stature, my intelligence, my performance, or not chosen me for lack of these. Whatever good there is in me is a gift of the same grace by which You have chosen me anyway. You chose me simply out of Your love and kindness.

God either chooses by works or by grace. They are mutually exclusive bases by which to choose. He cannot choose by grace and use a few works as part of His criteria. To do so, as Paul says, makes grace no longer grace. I often wonder whether much of the “grace” we speak of in the evangelical church is no longer grace because of the ways we have looked at works as part of the sanctification equation. We seem to believe that God chose us by grace, but that we are now being sanctified by some combination of His grace and my own works. This is far different than the idea of works that God Himself has prepared beforehand for me to walk in (Ephesians 2:10).

“We creatures, we jolly beggars, give glory to God by our dependence. Our wounds and defects are the very fissures through which grace might pass. It is our human destiny on earth to be imperfect, incomplete, weak, and mortal, and only by accepting that destiny can we escape the force of gravity and receive grace. Only then can we grow close to God...” (Philip Yancey. What’s So Amazing About Grace? Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1997, p. 273)

Father, I find myself still more comfortable thinking that I glorify You primarily through my successes, my strengths and my accomplishments. I find it hard to accept that my dependence could bring honor to You. Having said that, how else can my life highlight the greatness of Your grace than by the exposing of my need for grace? Your gracious nature is honored when it is put on display in those places in my life that most need grace.

Grace seeks the empty places to fill, the broken places to mend and the hurting places to heal. If I hide these places, I deny the willingness and power of God’s grace to meet me in those places. If I believe that God would reject me, I denounce God’s character as a gracious God. Father, may You teach me what it means to honor Your grace in my life.

A Cross-Centered Faith Part Two

2009-04-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

How do you respond when what you expected from God never happens? How do you feel when God seems to disregard your comfortable assumptions about Him? Let me continue sharing a couple of quotations from Alistair McGrath on the cross.

“God becomes an iconoclast, shattering our neat conceptual pictures of what he must be like by revealing himself in a way which both contradicts and mocks our attempts to pin him down. The cross reveals the fundamental uncontrollability of God, who breaks the mould of our thinking.” (Alister McGrath. The Mystery of the Cross. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1988, p. 104.)

Father, You have a way of shattering my own nice, neat images of You. You are the God of Divine Surprises. You have shattered my image of You as the One Who does things the way I expect You to do them. You are not the God Who fits cooperatively into my comfortable theological box. The places of desolation, discomfort and dryness that I’ve walked have begun to break me of the expectation that You give nice, satisfying rewards for my admirable spiritual efforts. You offer no guarantee that coming to You will always bring goodies for my mind, emotions or will.

Thank You, Father, for enabling me to see just how much I’ve sought created things over the Creator. You are bigger than any of my concepts or images of You. Please continue to expand my awareness and conception of You—and may I not be limited by them. When I try again to pin You down and control You, gently remind me again of the foolishness of my misguided attempt.

“The cross exposes us, stripped naked of our self-assurance, bringing home to us our sinfulness and inadequacies. It is the decisive contradiction of the self-sufficiency of the believer and the church alike, forcing both to recognise that their greatest security and greatest strength lie not in themselves and their imagined abilities, but in the God who was hidden in the sufferings of the cross.” (McGrath, p. 169.)

My desolate places have been the cross at work in my life. I am being stripped of self-confidence, as “spiritual” as I thought it was. I have become far more aware of the depths of my sinful attitudes and behavior. I have seen that “apart from You I can do nothing.” May I continue to learn that my greatest security and my greatest strength lie beyond myself in You…yet You are not beyond me but in me. May I come to find You as the God Who is hidden in the sufferings of the Cross…of my cross.

Free me today to rest in Your peace and love in the midst of felt inadequacy, weakness, anxiety and failure. May Your grace secure me and strengthen me throughout this day. Thank You for ways that You are causing the cross to move from true idea to living reality in me. This is all from You.

A Cross-Centered Faith Part One

2009-04-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

As we live in the light of the cross and resurrection here on the other side of Easter, I wanted to share some words from Alister McGrath about Martin Luther’s powerful idea of a cross-centered understanding of God. How does it feel and what does it look like to experience God as more absent than present, His back more than His face?

“God tells Moses that he shall never see his face, only his back: and that is his only certainty. Luther interprets ‘the back parts of God’ to mean the despair and the anguish of the absence of God, of being forsaken by God, of the contradictions of life: in short, the cross. But it is of decisive importance to see what Luther taught was not that God is somehow there, in spite of defeat, sorrow, pain, humiliation, anguish, failure, sin and death. Not at all! He taught that God himself confronts us in person and makes his presence near in and through defeat, sorrow, pain, humiliation, anguish, failure, sin and death. The ‘contrary things’ of failure, sin and death constitute the raw material which God transforms into his own self in the human heart. God reveals himself through a contrary form. It is the back of God which is revealed—but it is God, and not another. To learn this is to learn Christ.” (Alister McGrath. The Mystery of the Cross. Grand Rapids, MI: Academie Books/Zondervan Publishing House, 1988, p. 8.)

Luther believed that a cross-centered understands experiences of defeat, sorrow, pan and the like as encounters with God rather than evidences of His absence. I’m tempted to see God only where I feel good. What I’m tempted to judge as God’s absence is more of a disguise, I suppose. You don’t appear in my life according to my demands.

My assumptions about how You are supposed to reward my seeking with felt consolation and clear insights have to die. You won’t let me get trapped seeking experiences of You rather than You Yourself. My expectations and assumptions begin to take on a life of their own, and it is not the life of Christ they've taken on.

Father, teach me to discern when it is "your back parts" that You are revealing to me. Grant me simple faith to receive and acknowledge Your presence in ways that I haven’t expected it. Wayne Anderson called these ways “back door grace.”

For many reasons, life seems to have taught me that I am to avoid failure at any cost. And if I cannot avoid it, I must hide it. But experiencing the backside of God will involve many experiences of apparent failure in relation to Him. This is just one spiritual implication of taking up my cross.

Please open the eyes of my heart to notice how You are revealing “your back side” to me in the places of defeat, sorrow, pain, humiliation, anguish, failure, sin and death that I’ve walked through recently. I have assumed that these experiences were evidence of Your absence, Your disfavor. Change my mind and heart. Free me and transform me so that I reflect Your kingdom and Your righteousness. Help me to learn Christ.

“If God is to be found in the cross of Christ, then he is hidden in its mystery; if human experience is illumined by that cross, then the experiences which are illuminated are those of suffering, abandonment, powerlessness and hopelessness, culminating in death. Either God is not present at all in this situation, or else he is present in a remarkable and paradoxical way.” (McGrath. p. 102.)

As I listen to these words it dawns on me that the cross moves from being merely a symbol to being a central reality of my life. The cross is not just an ornament or a church decoration. It is the brand of my life. My experiences of suffering, of abandonment, of powerlessness and of hopelessness are a kind of sharing in the cross of Christ. My pain and hardship and suffering are not meaningless. Christ knows and understands. He is with me in this.

A Darker Shade of Hope – Part 2

2009-04-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

Romans 5:2b-5, “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

It is suffering lived in dependent trust that produces holy perseverance in us. We learn to live more stable and secure lives by rooting ourselves more and more deeply into God Himself. And this perseverance lived as a “long obedience in the same direction” (a phrase taken by Eugene Peterson from Friedrich Nietzsche) establishes godly character. It is out of this established character of loving dependence on God Himself that we find hope in the midst of and as a fruit of the suffering-perseverance-character process.

Of course I do rejoice in the future hope of sharing in God’s glory—becoming more and more completely like Him. This is thrilling and exciting. But that sharing in His glory does not happen in some automatic or instant fashion. Being transformed into the likeness of His glory involves a process of seeing my character shaped by Him. One of His most effective tools is the places of pain, of hardship, of suffering that I face along the way.

God loves me overwhelmingly in the midst of this process. Hope that doesn’t disappoint is hope that has learned to entrust itself and the outcomes into the loving hands of the Father. I have already seen the other side of a few difficult places of my journey. My response has not been to say, “Well, that was sure disappointing. What a waste of time! How meaningless that was!” Thanks, Father, that You are at work in me like this.

So, I’m saying that I believe suffering produces joy indirectly. I experience joy in the midst of my hardships and sufferings because I know, whether by unseen faith or by reflecting back over my journey so far, that God is causing me to grow in endurance and in solid character.

Thank You, Father, for this text. Enable me to see the joy in the midst of painful crises and the long, monotonous places I walk through. Enable me to know what to embrace and what to reject. Help me to see You in the midst of all of it. Amen.

A Darker Shade of Hope – Part 1

2009-04-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

Continuing to reflect on Romans, I see in chapter 5 how Paul connects joy and hope, suffering and glory in a way that encourages (literally puts courage in me) and strengthens me. I pray that his words might be a source of encouragement to you in your journey these days as well.

Paul mentions two reasons for rejoicing—both rooted in hope. Hope is seen from two perspectives. There is a hope in our final outcome, but also the hope that we discover along the way.

There is a joyful hope that comes in a confident future. The very idea that we will come to share in God’s magnificence and grandeur in a more obvious and visible way brightens my perspective. I long deeply for this.

But Paul also speaks of rejoicing in our sufferings. This isn’t a joy I identify with quite as quickly. Paul says “not only so” in verse 3. Rejoicing in sufferings does not come naturally. I have to learn to connect joy and hope in the midst of sufferings. My usual reaction to suffering is usual a little less noble…something like “ouch!” I’m still learning to look through the hurt to the hope that lies ahead.

So, Paul’s words about rejoicing are two perspectives of the same reality. The joy we find in the hope of God’s glory is an anticipated perspective from the end looking back. We rejoice in who we hope to become by the grace of God. The joy we can find in suffering is the recognition that the trying and testing places in our journey are producing in us that which we most deeply and truly desire. We rejoice in God’s faithful shaping of our lives, even through painful means.

Trusting in the Dark: A Few Insights

2009-04-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

Having shared my prayer response to Romans 4 in the last two blog posts, I wanted to now share a few insights that came out of that work. (Again, this journal entry comes from about 10 years ago).

Romans 4:18-21, “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” 19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead — since he was about a hundred years old — and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. 20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

Against all hope…in hope. This is the tension I often feel these days. Outwardly, so many of my circumstances seem to fight against hope and push it away. Inwardly, I have moments when I see the unseen and believe with hope in what God has promised. The difference is one of focus—where am I fixing my gaze? Am I more attentive to the apparently hopeless circumstances around me or to the voice of the One Who calls Himself the God of hope? How else could I be a man who “against all hope…in hope believes?”

Paul describes Abraham’s trust in God as being “in hope.” Hope is the soil in which faith grows, the atmosphere in which trust breathes, and the refuge within which confidence grows. Abraham is able to trust God as he holds onto hope in God and His faithfulness. His situation gave him little hope to trust God for the gift of a son. He and his wife, Sarah, were well beyond the childbearing years, and she had suffered the cultural disgrace of being barren when she might have borne him a son.

What do I learn from Abraham’s character of trusting in God? Abraham had hope to be confident in God as long as he gazed at God’s promise and His capability to keep His promise. He didn’t waver because he simply believed that God could keep his promise, regardless of how his circumstances had turned out. He trusted that God could keep his promise, even if that required a miraculous intervention (which, as it turns out, it did).

What tested his faith? What tests ours? His faith was tested by the long wait of 25 years. His trust was tested as all outward evidence only supported the conclusion that God’s promise was impossible…or that somehow Abraham had been mistaken. The text says that his body was as good as dead and that Sarah was well beyond the childbearing years (19).

My faith is tested when it seems I’ve waited far longer than I expected to for the fulfillment of some God-given promise. My faith is tested when I look at God’s promise in the light of my own capabilities, and then am tempted to believe that I don’t have what it takes to see the promise through. I forget that when God fulfills His promises, He often enjoys doing so in such a way that there can be no mistaking who it was that accomplished it!

What strengthened his faith? How might our faith be strengthened? Simply put, Abraham learned over the years and through his own faith failures that God Himself was faithful. Even when the promise seemed to be a long-gone possibility, he honored the character of God and acknowledged his glory (20b). He grew to be fully persuaded (that’s pretty strong “faith” language!) that God, being Who He is, was more than able to fulfill what He had promised (21).

My faith is strengthened as I learn to focus my gaze on God Himself. I read of His faithfulness in the faith journey of others in the pages of Scripture. I recall and celebrate His faithfulness to me over the years. I trust that He remains the same God today as He was yesterday…and will be tomorrow.

What is the relationship between faith and hope? I am struck by this image of faith being rooted and at home in hope. Hope is that perspective in which I acknowledge that apparently impossible present circumstances do not constitute the end of my story. Hope is that posture of heart that remembers how often God has surprised His people in the past, and how much He seems to enjoy such surprises. There lie ahead of me surprises that I have not yet even imagined. He can be trusted. In grace…and in hope, I will trust Him. Amen.

Praying Scripture: Trusting in the Dark – Part 2

2009-04-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

I began sharing my prayer response to Romans 4 in the last blog post. Here’s the rest of it:

16 With all this in mind, then, help me remember that receiving Your promises is a matter of faith, so that it may be both a gift and be guaranteed to all who trust in You like Abraham did. We become his children as we enter into the same kind of relationship with You as he had. 17 You put it in writing so long ago, “I have made you a father of many nations.” I am a member of one of those nations so many centuries later because I’ve entered into his family of faith. I’ve trusted in the God who gives life to the dead and creates somethings out of nothings. Father, enable me to see the ways in which You have given me life out of death, and have produced good fruit in my life where there was nothing before.

18 With no reason for hope in sight, Abraham in hope trusted You and, as a result, became the father of many nations. This was exactly what You said would happen in his life. You said, “So shall your offspring be.” (Genesis 15:5)19 He was able to look at his rather hopeless situation—a 100-year-old body that was worn with age and a bride far beyond the years of childbearing—and not weaken in his faith. He faced the facts of his life from the vantage point of trusting in what You said, not in what he could see with his own two eyes and figure out with his own mind. 20 Even with all of these strikes against him, he did not waver through unbelief in relation to Your promise, but trusted You more deeply and honored You (rather than calling You into question or focusing on his own quite hopeless circumstances). 21 He was able to continue to trust You because he was fully persuaded that You were more than able to do exactly what You promised. He knew that You would never speak empty words to him. 22 All of this is why You said, “it was credited to him as righteousness.” 23 And You didn’t say these words just for Abraham’s benefit. 24 You spoke for our sakes as well. You will give the gift of righteousness to us in the very same way as You did with Abraham—through faith in His gracious promise. We believe that Jesus’ death and resurrection have become our source of life. We believe His promise that we have been risen to live a new kind of life. 25 Jesus was delivered over death because of our sins and was raised to life so that we might counted right in His sight.

In the next post, I'll share a few insights that came out of this work. Stay tuned...

Praying Scripture: Trusting in the Dark – Part 1

2009-04-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

How do Christians respond when their trust in God appears to have been proven foolish or misguided? How might Abraham have felt when God’s promise of a son hadn’t materialized after two decades of waiting?

A spiritual discipline that has often helped me is “praying scripture.” I’ll take an extended passage, reflect on it, and then pray my response. Below is my response to Romans 4:9-25. It comes from about 10 years ago. I hope it will encourage you in your own journey of trusting Him, wherever it is you may find yourself walking today.

Father, thank You for David’s psalm words (Ps. 32) that speak of the blessing of being forgiven and without blame in God’s sight by a gift of grace. Thank You that this blessing is not held in reserve only for those who have done the right things (like Jews being circumcised). Thank You that Abraham was considered righteousness well before he “did the right thing”. Until then, he had only trusted Your promise. 10 You considered Abraham righteous as a result of his loving trust, not his legal obedience. Circumcision didn’t make him righteous—faith did. How wise You were, Father, to make circumcision a symbol of his righteous status, rather than one of the steps to righteousness. 11 Circumcision was for him a sign identifying him as one of Your righteous ones by faith. It gave his faith righteousness sort of a “seal of approval,” acknowledging his righteousness was received as a gift from You. Every truly good thing we do comes after You have declared us righteous through trusting in You. Righteousness that we attempt apart from You has no life and no reality. Thanks for Abraham’s qualifications to be a father to me in my own growing trust in You. 12 Help me to live like Abraham, walking in the footsteps of his faith. Help me know that what I do comes after and is a response to what You have already done. What I say must be an echo of what You have already said.

13 Abraham didn’t receive Your promise that he and his descendants would be heirs of the whole world through something he achieved. I haven’t received even one of Your promises through my own obedience either. All that I have received has been given, not earned! 14 If my place in Your kingdom family had been earned by something I’ve accomplished or achieved, then faith isn’t faith and Your faithfulness has been forgotten. 15All the rules do for me is show me how many different ways I fall short and fail. The rules are just a continual reminder of how I don’t consistently keep them.

A Cry in the Prime of Life--Part Two

2009-04-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

14 I cried like a swift or thrush,  
I moaned like a mourning dove.  
My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens.  
I am being threatened; Lord, come to my aid!"

I want to be able to cry or moan. That’s part of my counseling process right now. I’m learning that I can entrust all of my emotions to God. Any of them are safe to express in His presence. They can become a source of holy movement rather than just unholy diversion. I look to the heavens with a sense of grief. In the midst of my feeling threatened, I cry out for Your aid, Father.

15 But what can I say?  
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years  
because of this anguish of my soul.
16 Lord, by such things people live;  
and my spirit finds life in them too.  
You restored me to health  
and let me live.

What is happening in my life is not coincidence, chance or accidental. God is speaking and acting in my life for my good and the good of others. This season of deep pain and grief will lead to a more deeply humble walk with Him. This soul anguish will not be empty or meaningless. These are the paths of life, even if they feel very little like life. I am looking for God to fully restore my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.

17 Surely it was for my benefit  
that I suffered such anguish.  
In your love you kept me  
from the pit of destruction;  
you have put all my sins  
behind your back.

I look forward to the time when I can honestly look back and see the benefits of this season of anguish. God will keep me from being destroyed. Every fault and failing will be put behind God’s back. He doesn’t want to look at them any more than I do.

18 For the grave cannot praise you,  
death cannot sing your praise;  
those who go down to the pit  
cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living—they praise you,  
as I am doing today;  
parents tell their children  
about your faithfulness.
20 The LORD will save me,  
and we will sing with stringed instruments  
all the days of our lives  
in the temple of the LORD.

If I am destroyed, what praise would that bring to You, Father? You will see to it that I continue to live. I will be able to speak of Your faithfulness to my sons, Sean, Bryan and Christopher. You really will save me and I will once again worship in song from a full heart in Your dwelling place. Amen!

Reflections on the End of Lent

2009-04-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

Since Ash Wednesday, February 25, I’ve been practicing a few disciplines for Lent:

1. I’ve been drinking water as my only beverage (no coffee, juice, soda, wine, beer, etc.). It was a bigger deal than I expected. I had the standard caffeine withdrawal headache for the first few days, but that went away fairly quickly. The emotional/comfort addiction to coffee departed a lot more slowly. I hadn’t realized how attached to my morning ritual of coffee. It’s good to realize how attached I get to certain things, habits or practices.

2. I’ve been fasting breakfast and lunch on Fridays. Since many of my Fridays are day retreats, that has been a great way to focus my attention on God in those days. I may continue this pattern after Easter.

3. I continued to seek to eat simply and healthy, keeping my calories within a range that lets me slowly take off a few more pounds. (I’ve dropped about 35 since October).

What did I learn from these 40 days

1. I decided that one of my favorite drinks now is club soda with lime. That’ll be a post-Easter keeper.
2. I have needed less sleep as I’ve been eating less and more simply. I’m often waking before my alarm.
3. My awareness of God has been more continual in this season.
4. The disciplines of Lent have helped me in other areas of discipline as well.
5. My heart has felt more tender (sometimes raw) as I’ve reflected on Christ and Him crucified.

The last taste of a beverage other than water was a sip of wine at the Eucharist on Ash Wednesday morning. My first taste again will be the same on Easter Sunday. I’m looking forward to the feast Gem and I planned together for tomorrow.

A Cry in the Prime of Life

2009-04-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, when I was using Benedictine Daily Prayer as the start to my morning, I was particularly impressed by Isaiah 38:10-20. In this and the next post or two, I’ll share some of my prayers and reflections.

10 I said, "In the prime of my life  
must I go through the gates of death  

and be robbed of the rest of my years?"

Father, these years really feel like the prime of my life. Maybe others would assume that 48 is past prime, but I don’t feel that way. I actually feel that perhaps my best years are still ahead. I like that. And my hard exercise over the last few months has returned energy, vitality and brightness to my life. I’m really grateful, Father.

At the same time, I can feel the sense of death and loss as it relates to a counseling process I’ve been in. I think places in me that have needed healing, and the losses I’ve sustained. Father, make up for the years the locust have eaten. Restore to me what I have lost. May I find deep, true healing that results in rich ministry.

And I’m coming to discover that as my life comes into the light of God’s healing presence, I’m able to see others more clearly. This expands my ability to help them.

11 I said, "I will not again see the LORD,  
the LORD, in the land of the living;  
no longer will I look on my fellow mortals,  
or be with those who now dwell in this world.
12 Like a shepherd's tent my house  
has been pulled down and taken from me.  
Like a weaver I have rolled up my life,  
and he has cut me off from the loom;  
day and night you made an end of me.

I feel this way sometimes. There are times when I feel more cursed than blessed. Isaiah isn’t embarrassed to tell God exactly how he sees things.

13 I waited patiently till dawn,  
but like a lion he broke all my bones;  
day and night you made an end of me.

It’s in these times of disillusionment and disappointment that I learn how to wait…and wait patiently. And waiting until dawn says that dawn will come. But before the dawn comes, it may feel a lot more like midnight.

The Joy of Growing

2009-04-08T05:00:00.000-07:00

I read this in reviewing my journal recently. It has to do with learning to find joy in genuine intentions that have yet to find an opportunity to be put into action:

“Rejoice to feel yourself growing and developing within, even although your external actions are sometimes thwarted. To be thwarted should seem the normal thing and should not interfere in any way with the vitality you feel stirring within you. Something will certainly come out of it. Desire and strive after any results you like and which seem to you good and possible (or even impossible) but never be put out if things do not turn out exactly ‘to your liking. The soul grows in the midst of all this and, like the mustard seed cast into the earth, becomes like a great tree.”

(Abbé Henri de Tourville. Letters of Direction. Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing, 1939, 2001, p. 33-34.)

Organic Structure vs. Mechanical Structure in Ministry

2009-04-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

The Leadership Institute has been in the process of understanding itself as a ministry order. One of our questions has been, “What distinguishes an order from an organization?” A primary answer we’re coming to is that an order holds primary a shared way (or rule) of life.

When a ministry serves as a vehicle supporting the healthy and godly lifestyle of its people, then it remains a servant to who the people are. That’s a healthy order. When a ministry and its work becomes the goal, then the people are used to produce whatever matters to that ministry. That’s an unhealthy organization. An order keeps the person primary. The organization can easily make the person secondary.

Most recently, we have felt that our work is not just fostering individual spiritual formation and direction, or even group spiritual formation and direction, but corporate or ministry-wide spiritual formation and direction. We are beginning to work with large (in one case worldwide) ministries to help them make the move from organization to order.

An order, if it remains flexible, can be a very healthy form of organism, and might help us in moving organizations to be dominated by organism rather than rigid structure.

Learning from Fear, Secure in Hiddenness

2009-04-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

“Fear is an index of our possessiveness—the more self-possessed we feel, the more fearful we become. But if I no longer possess myself, but have given myself wholeheartedly to God, then I am both fearless and free.” (James Houston. The Transforming Power of Prayer. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1996, p. 158.)

Fear is an indicator light on the panel of my life. My fear level shows me the degree to which I am clinging to my own life rather than freely offering it to God’s gracious reign. Self-abandonment to God enables me to experience fearlessness and freedom.

How do I pray this? “Father, may Your Spirit enable me to loosen my white-knuckle grip on the reins of my life. Teach me to live in the fearless freedom of Your loving leadership. May I learn at deeper levels the reality that my life comes to me as a gift. It is not mine as a possession, but as a trust—a stewardship. You have bought my life at a great price.

“Father, I remember again that my life is Yours. Direct me. Reorder my priorities. Enable me to recognize more and more that I am Yours and You are mine…and that this is my best good. Free me from my suffocating selfishness that constricts who You’ve made me to be.

“If we take prayer seriously and begin to identify ourselves with the life of Jesus, then we must expect that a large part of our life will be lived incognito.” (p. 161.)

Prayer is much more likely to move me into a place of hiddenness than of prominence. Paul says that my true life is hidden with Christ in God. I believe that it is this humble, unassuming reality of the inner life that hits at the heart of our contemporary resistance to moving deeper in our conversational relationship with God. Our normal mode of operation, as a rule, is to promote ourselves and our own interests. Any path that looks to me to end in a demotion of myself seems utterly foolish and profoundly unproductive. A life of deepening prayer will increase my awareness that my eternal life is truly hidden in Christ.

Hidden in what way? Hidden from whom? True life is hidden from the advertisers’ barren promises. The latest, hottest technology or product does little to energize my soul. It is hidden, I believe, from the latest headlines. The greatest accomplishments of the kingdom of heaven aren’t likely to make front-page news. True life is hidden from the power brokers and money hoarders of this world. It isn’t likely to receive much attention from the systems of cultural reward and recognition that so many seem to strive after.

“Father, free me from those cultural pressures that would urge me to sacrifice a life of prayer for a superficially fashionable life or an inordinately popular life. May I make peace with the reality of a life that is largely lived incognito. May I not long for the empty fame of a known name. May I not hunger and thirst for recognition by others, but rather hunger and thirst for righteousness…for the pleasure and freedom of being right in Your eyes and according to Your ways. Just as Jesus lived most of his life in obscurity, free me to do the same as You will, Father.”

Helping Diminish Fear

2009-04-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

As I was praying and reflecting today, a question arose: "Exactly how does love cast out fear?" As I connected this idea with Paul's description of love in 1 Corinthians 13, I imagined how that kind of love would help my sons be less fearful, especially as far as how I relate to them.

What is it about God's perfect love that diminishes fears? How does each of Paul's descriptions of love affect fear?

Patient. As I relate and respond to my sons with patience, their fears will tend to shrink. My angry reactions will tend to feed their fears.

Kind. When I am kind with my sons, they tend to relax around me. My harshness fuels their fear.

Not envious. If I look with envy at my sons at what they seem to have that I seemed to miss in my own childhood, I will tend to increase their insecurities. Selflessness and celebrating God’s grace in their lives will tend to increase security.

Not boasting. When I act in a self-promoting, proud, self-seeking way, I contribute to making my sons feel smaller and more fearful. When I relate to them in a humble, selfless manner, God uses me to encourage and lift them up.

Not rude. My harshness and shortness with my sons only grows their fears. Speaking and behaving graciously and with consideration for their feelings grow their confidence and buoyancy.

Not easily angered. Having a short-temper with my sons cause them to feel endangered and more fearful. Treating my sons with greater patience and having a longer fuse gives them a safe place in which to grow.

Keeps no record of wrongs. Harboring bitterness or unforgiveness toward my sons' offenses against Gem or me tends to increase their insecurities and fears. Speaking words of forgiveness from my heart decreases them.

Doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. If my sons see me saying or doing something to injure them, obviously they will be more fearful. I want my words, my attitude and my actions to be a constant reminder to my sons of what is true about them—that they are beloved sons of the heavenly Father. I want to delight in and celebrate what is true and good in my boys.

As I do whatever God enables me to do to offer my sons protection, trust, hopefulness and do this with great persistence and patience, I will cooperate in His process of growing confident sons. The more I express confidence in my boys, the more confident they will be in You and in themselves.

Communicating my positive hopes for my boys' lives and futures will tend to increase their courage. Communicating (or even insinuating) beliefs that they cannot change will tend to increase their insecurities and fear. If I never give up on my boys, I trust that they will learn to never give up on themselves…or on You.

May Your grace meet me in my own fears so that I do not respond to my sons from these places, but out of Your unfailing, constant love for me. In the name of Christ. Amen.

Hope Deals in Invisibles

2009-03-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

How's your hope today? Where is it? As we make our way through Lent towards Good Friday and Easter Sunday, let’s remember the Hope of the world sent for our sakes. Hope is confidence in a bright future in the face of a dim present. Hope brightens our countenance and energizes our step. Below is a letter of spiritual direction I wrote to a friend a few years back when they were facing some hopeless places:

“There certainly could be some help in a change of scenery and vocation, but I'm not certain how lasting or satisfying it would be for you in the long run. I'm not telling you not to move or change jobs, but just that you not put too much of your hope there. In recent years, Gem and I have felt like we’re on an uphill climb and in an endurance contest. Reading the verse below out loud over and over has helped:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

Our great need at this place in our journey seems to be hope. Outward circumstances have come to look rather hopeless, but God is a God of hope who can fill us with "all joy" (our strength) and "all peace" (our rest and contentment). This happens as we look to Him again trusting and recognizing that He alone is our hope.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25)

This is the nature of hope. It involves unseen things, an uncertain future, and, in your case, no prospect of a partner in life. Hope deals in invisibles. It helps us most not in what we can see, but in what we can't. It's the "waiting patiently" that sometimes makes me feel like I'm running an ultra-marathon. This probably feels like mile twenty-something for you and everything in you wants to quit.

The hunger you're describing is a deep one, I know. My own waiting places have become places where God seems to be inviting me to levels of surrender I hadn't imagined would be necessary...or even possible for me a few years ago. I'm wondering if God is offering such an invitation to you.

As for the grey areas, I think we go there to fill the longings that seem to go unfulfilled day after day. These places of escape or temporary pleasure cause the inner pain to deepen rather than be healed. You don't want to return to legalism, but you also don't want to expose yourself to patterns that will pull you away from what is true life either. Freedom is always a tricky thing in that how we use it determines whether or not we keep it and grow it.

So you will be in my prayers...that the God of hope will fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, offer Yourself to Him, surrender to Him each place where you are tempted instead to cling to some "it" rather than to Him.”

What Do I Really Want?

2009-03-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

At the risk of losing all “heavenly credit” for some Lent disciplines, let me share a few insights that have been helpful. Since Ash Wednesday (2/25), I’ve been practicing a couple of disciplines: 1) drinking water as my only beverage and 2) fasting breakfast and lunch on Fridays (in honor of Good Friday). The first has been much more of a challenge than I expected. I knew that I’d have some caffeine-free headaches, but did not bank on how attached I am to fruit juice, diet coke and a glass of wine here and there. Why did I do it? Here’s a word from a monk about the value of fasting that’s helps me.

“Fasting, discipline, can free us from our passions, our appetites, our emotions, our pseudo-needs, and even from the gripping of real needs which limit, hamper, and ultimately frustrate us. Fasting and discipline open the space for us to be more honest with ourselves, perhaps even to come to full honesty, so that we can respect ourselves. Fasting cultivates certain inner conditions of awareness and openness that enable us for the new and unexpected. When we are free from self and the need for security, we can welcome new possibilities and enter into them.” (M. Basil Pennington. A Retreat with Thomas Merton. Rockport, MA: Element, Inc., 1988, p. 28-29.)

Every time I feel bummed in the morning without my coffee, I remind myself that I want God more than I want coffee. I find myself offering that to God as a gift frequently day-to-day. It’s been a good place in my communion with Him.

Doing without these little preferences for a season has reminded me of how much I really have. And that’s been encouraging.

Experiencing God's Absence

2009-03-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

“This is one of the astonishing paradoxes of the cross: that there, where Jesus experienced God’s absence, we can experience God’s presence. In other words, we most deeply know God’s presence in prayer when we experience a sense of sin, forgiven by the cross.” (James Houston. The Transforming Power of Prayer. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1996, p. 104.)

This seems like a good word for Lent. Just saying...

What We See in the Light

2009-03-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

Those who seek to walk more closely with God may think that it will help us feel better about ourselves. But what if coming out from the shadows into the bright light of God’s presence causes us to see our flaws and mess all the more plainly? What then? Listen to this good spiritual direction from James Houston in his The Transforming Power of Prayer (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1996):

“…in fact, a life more dedicated to God enlarges our consciousness of ourselves. The thoughts that we used to repress now come to the surface, revealing the inner world of our heart which needs to be brought under the rule of Christ. This is a disturbing process, as the filth from the cellar of our inner lives bubbles up, exposing the things that threaten and damage us deep inside. But it is also a life-giving process, allowing us to be forgiven and healed by God.” (Houston, p. 68.)

As my eyes are more and more enlightened in the Presence of Christ, I have a much clearer vision of Him…and of myself. This does not always feel like good news! There are things about my life so far that I would prefer to keep hidden. There are thoughts, cravings and dispositions that disturb and appall me. I'm tempted to throw them back into the unseen depths and then somehow pretend they aren’t down there. But sometimes a wiser and more real part of me realizes that these places in me aren't a true "me" (at least not any "me" that God has made). They need to surface in His gracious presence that I might be cleansed and made whole before Him.

I've sometimes used the metaphor of a mountain lake to describe my life. I will at times notice floating debris that I long to see cleared out so that I would be more attractive and inviting. And what has often been my clean-up strategy? A skimmer…the kind I've used on a swimming pool in the past. I go about skimming debris off the surface of my life and, for a time, the lake seems clearer. Then, I notice places in the lake where filth is bubbling up from below. I skim this away as well…but the bubbles don't stop. How will I deal with this kind of pollution? Do I just skim more diligently and persistently? Do I simply try harder? I may, but it is a futile effort.

God's gracious strategy and his kind initiative have taken a different tack than me. He dries up the lake. He brings a drought. This drying up of the lake has been, for me the dark night of the soul that John of the Cross describes. He dries up what once seemed refreshing in my experience of Him. I find myself parched and uncomfortable.

As the lake recedes, what happens to the impurities of my life? Slowly and almost imperceptibly, the source of certain impurities begins to surface. At first, it is more recent and more "near the surface" rubbish. God is kind enough to pull it out of these exposed deep places and remove it as far from shore as it can be thrown.

As time goes on, though, deeper and more ancient junk may come into view. Usually, I have been utterly unaware of its long-forgotten presence in me. God, in his immense mercy, arrives at that place long before I have noticed it and does the clean up work I cannot accomplish on my own. There comes a time when the lake of my life has been deeply scoured and is ready to receive the pure water of His presence more fully.

Only that which is exposed to the presence of God is therefore exposed to the healing and forgiving hand of God. Whatever there is in me is safe to surface in the presence of a merciful God. This kind of exposure is, as John of the Cross puts it in his poem, "a sheer grace" and a "secure" place. Even as I may feel vulnerable and even endangered in such exposure, the loving voice of God speaks healing and comfort into my depths.

In these places where the dried-up lake has caused some of the ugliness of my old way of life to surface, I pray God grant me freedom not to hide, or worse, to return to those old ways, but rather acknowledge them and welcome Your forgiving and healing grace. This is what I need.

“…we need to exercise prayer in the absence of God. Not that God Is truly absent, but he withdraws from us so that we can learn to know God as God. God is not our patron, our wish-fulfiller, or the generator of more illusions about ourselves. He is himself.” (Houston, p. 102.)

A Resource to Live a Peaceful and Quiet Life

2009-03-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

“I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior…” (1 Timothy 2:1-3 NIV)

Being a person who is seeking to take the spiritual counsel of Scripture seriously, I’ve wrestled with how to practice Paul’s urgent advice to Timothy: Pray for kings (or presidents) and all those in authority. Why? So that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. It’s good, and God likes this.

Here’s what I’ve done. I took time a number of years back to make a list of those with government roles that affected me: national, state and local leaders. Since many of them were unfamiliar to me, I found pictures of them as well. I created a page that helps me pray for these men and women over the course of two weeks.

Who are these leaders?

National: President, Vice President, The Cabinet, Key Senate and House leaders, my senators and representatives and the Supreme Court justices.
State: Governor, Lieutenant Governor, State senator and assemblyperson, and a few other key leaders.
Local: Mayor and city council.

You can download a Word version of my intercession journal page here. Maybe it would give you a start on your own. I'm grateful for a way to practice this particularly good piece of counsel from Paul.

Pastor Rick Warren's Visit

2009-03-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, our home church, Lake Hills Community Church in Laguna Hills, CA, had the treat of having Rick Warren, well-known author of The Purpose Driven Life, join us for morning services. Many of you know that we’re not far from Saddleback Church where he has served as founding pastor for 30 years this Easter. It was probably the smallest church crowd he’s spoken for in a very long time!

Lake Hills was the first church Rick visited 30 years ago when he was getting ready to plant Saddleback Church here in South County. It was a treat to hear him share some of that story with us. Many of our people were around when Rick and Kay Warren went to church at Lake Hills as they prepared to launch Saddleback.

A lot of his message was simply sharing the story of Lake Hill's foundational role in the life of Saddleback over the last thirty years. Some of the goodies:

• Moses spent his first 40 years as a "somebody", his next 40 as a "nobody", and his last 40 as "God's somebody."
• Rick shared that one of his secrets is growing total dependence on God. He shared that he feels a day has been a success if he has loved God a little more and got to know Him a little better. I was struck by the simplicity and sincerity of this statement.
• He talked about Moses' shepherd's staff as a symbol of 1) his identity (he was a shepherd), 2) his income (his sheep was his wealth) and 3) his influence (leading the sheep). Rick pointed out that when God told him to put his staff down, it became alive (a snake), but when he picked it back up, it went back to being a dead stick. Might same happen when we surrender (or take back) things from God?
• The shepherd's staff that Moses laid down was never called that again, but was called "the rod of God." What I lay down of my own sense of identity, wealth and influence is made spiritually alive as God's.
• Rick's question, "What am I doing with what God has entrusted to me?"
• The purpose of God-given influence is to speak up for those without any influence (the poor, the needy, the hurting, etc.)

(Pastor Doug Webster interviewing Rick Warren before his message)

My own connection goes back twenty years to July 1989 when, as a college pastor at The Church at Rocky Peak, I came with the rest of the staff to the Saddleback Pastor’s Conference which was held in the Lake Hills sanctuary. At the time the college pastor at Saddleback was Chuck Miller. I attended his break-out session where he shared some thoughts on college ministry and his three priorities of abiding in Christ, loving one another and bearing witness of Christ in the world. It was a milestone moment for me. I have a hard time quantifying the impact of Chuck’s life on mine over the last twenty years.

At the time, Chuck found out that I was a student at Fuller Seminary. He invited me to a class that The Leadership Institute was introducing at Fuller called “Collegiate Leadership and Discipleship.” What it really did was intentionally build spiritual practices into the gatherings of class, rather than assigning readings, giving lectures and leading conversations about them. That class was revolutionary and changed the direction of my life and ministry. It’s why I’m on staff with The Leadership Institute today.

Just a little walk down memory lane. My heart is so full. Thank You, Lord.

Tired of Reruns?

2009-03-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

Like my last blogpost, I’m continuing to share from Eugene Peterson’s Leap Over a Wall. Here he describes how life without God (what the Scriptures call “sin”) is finite and eventually boring.

“We have a finite number of ways to sin; God has an infinite number of ways to forgive. After observing the human condition for a few years, we find that in regard to sin we’re mostly watching reruns. After a while we find that people pretty much do the same old thing generation after generation. Sinning doesn’t take much imagination. But forgiveness and salvation? That’s a different story: every time it happens, it’s fresh, original, catching us by surprise.” (p. 190.)

The without-God life is like watching reruns. Every thrill is subject to the law of diminishing returns. What was exciting the first time isn’t exciting the next. What it takes to reach that same level of excitement starts costing more over time as well. There isn’t really anything new under the sun. Haven’t we been there and done that?

But, when we set our hearts and minds on things above from where our salvation comes, we begin to see truly new things take place. I find myself in friendship with an infinitely creative Father. He wants me to live life that is full of zest and joy. No reruns. (But maybe an occasional child-like “do-it-again”).

“In long retrospect over the Jewish and Christian centuries, it’s no exaggeration to say that anything we know about God that’s not prayed soon turns bad. The name of God without prayer to God is the stuff of blasphemy. The truth about God without love for God quickly becomes oppression.” (p. 207.)

Ouch! How much “unprayed theology” has gone sour in me in the past? In what ways have I gotten in the habit of putting insights in the pantry rather than digesting and living them? And why am I surprised when I start to smell something rotting in there? How much information do I know without really knowing it?

Father, continue to help me see theology as an expression of relationship, not merely as information correctly stated or categorized. Knowing Your name offers me the possibility of knowing You better. Knowing Your truth frees me from the deceptions that surround and overwhelm me in this world. May I learn how to give people space to pray what they are learning about God. May every insight become a place of deeper encounter.

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-03-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

Good evening...

Many of you may have known that today was my birthday. Seeing that I'm getting ready this summer to get together for my thirty-year high school reunion, it won't take much math to tell my age.

I spent the day leading a retreat at the Center for Spiritual Development in Orange. What a beautiful day! Six others joined me for some time of solitude, silence and prayer. I enjoyed some good reading. I journaled a little. Some good things came.

Then, Gem and the boys met me at Buca di Beppo for my birthday dinner. I'll let Gem's latest blog post (including lots of pictures) tell the rest of the story. I'm glad to be 48! (There...I did the math for you).

(A later addition--I didn't include a link to Gem's new blog. There you go...)

Communication that Provokes a Response

2009-03-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

It was another gorgeous late-winter morning looking out my east-facing window. (Though we don’t really do winter here in Orange county). I rose while it was still pretty dark, then watched the sky go from steel gray, to deep purple, to splashes of orange and red. What a remarkably creative and caring God we have. What a way to start the day.

Today, I want to share a few excerpts and reflections from Eugene Peterson’s book about David in Leap Over a Wall [San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997]. I think you’ll appreciate them.

“…preachers…bring us into focus in the story. The art of preaching is to somehow or other get around our third-person defenses and compel a second-person recognition, which enables a first-person response.” (p. 185.)

For “preaching” here, you could easily substitute “good communication.” Third-person defenses, as I think about them, are those places where we leave the message applying to “them” or “him” or “her”, rather than seeing the application as personal. We easily get into the habit of assuming hard words always apply to someone else.

Second-person recognition is that moment in which, like Nathan speaking to David, we hear “this is talking about you.” I awaken to accept and acknowledge a word from God as mine. “God so loved the world” becomes “God loves you.” “God is peace” becomes “God is your peace.” It is the moment of encounter—of embrace.

So then a first-person response is my response, my answer to what God says. “You love me, Father.” “You are my peace.”

I really want to be able to communicate to others in a way that helps them hear the story as their own. I want to speak words that get under or around the defenses that actually prevent others from letting what is good in.

Know Your Audience

2009-03-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

I recent read some good spiritual counsel from Edward King. He was the principal founder of St Stephen's House in the University of Oxford, an Anglican theological foundation. He was at the time Regius Professor of Pastoral Theology, and later Bishop of Lincoln. He has been acclaimed as one of the outstandingly holy men of his age, and exercised considerable influence on the early life of the House. Below is an excerpt from a letter he wrote to a country priest with a difficult congregation:

“Win them by touching their hearts. Try and think what THEY want in their spiritual life, not merely what you want to tell them.” (Edward King. Spiritual Letters. Edited by B. W. Randolph. London: A. R. Mowbray & Co, Ltd., 1910, p. 52.)

This is not just a spiritual version of “the customer is always right.” It’s an encouragement to pastors and other Christian leaders to think more about the people’s needs than their personal preferences. And any of us who speak to others for any reason would do well to ask ourselves what they really want and need.

For example, when I am preparing a message, am I mostly thinking about what I like to talk about, or am I thinking about what would most help those who will listen? It’s a helpful perspective to consider.

Book: Thank My Lucky Scars

2009-03-16T06:30:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months, I have been getting back in touch with old friends and acquaintances from my high school graduating class. This summer, we’ll gather for our thirty-year class reunion. I’m still stunned every time I look at that number!

One classmate, Ward Foley, recently wrote his memoirs, Thank My Lucky Scars. He called me up to catch up a little, and was kind enough to send along a copy. In it, he tells the story of having been born with Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita (AMC), a severe condition defined in one location as “is a rare congenital disorder that is characterized by multiple joint and can include muscle weakness and fibrosis.“ Over the years, he had dozens of surgeries to seek to improve the strength and function of his body.

On top of that, he shares the stories of many extreme hardships he faced along the way as an adult. I found the story to be very inspiring. He talks a lot about how he found God’s presence in the midst of the suffering he faced along the way. I read the book in two days--it’s that compelling. I would encourage you to consider picking up a copy from his website. It’s well worth the read. You may or may not agree with everything he shares (and who of us agrees with anybody on everything anyway!), but you’ll find some real encouragement in hearing about his journey.

You can also watch a video clip about Ward on his website as well.

A Not-So-Dumb Question

2009-03-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

One of the questions we at The Leadership Institute often ask leaders who come to our training is a simple one: "What is the Christian life?" I sometimes notice impatient glances that seem to say, "What a dumb question to be asking Christian leaders!" Is it? If a person who had absolutely no idea what the Christian life is about, could you give them a good basic answer in only a few minutes? I'm hopeful that this quotation from Eugene Peterson may serve to help you understand the simplicity of the Christian life.

“…the Christian life develops organically. It grows from a seed that’s planted in the actual soil of our muscles and brain cells, our emotions and moods, our genetic code and work schedule, the North American weather and our family history. It isn’t imposed from without. It isn’t monitored and regulated by a religious bureaucracy. God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost isn’t a consulting firm we bring in to give us expert advice on how to run our lives. The gospel life isn’t something we learn about and then put together with instructions from the manufacturer; it’s something we become as God does his work of creation and salvation in us and as we accustom ourselves to a life of belief and obedience and prayer.” (Eugene H. Peterson. Leap Over a Wall. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997, p. 138.)

It is so easy in our very outward-oriented American culture to have a very outward-oriented view of the Christian life. Peterson offers a powerful contrast between an outward and an inward orientation to the Christian life. Seeds planted in the actual soil of our bodies, schedules, places and stories illustrate that the Christian life is an inside-out process and not outside-in one.

Outward changes and improvements do not change our hearts. God is the only One who can change them. He invites us to learn to be receptive and responsive to His work in and through us.

I’m a control freak. I want everything to go the way I like. I want everything to work the way I expect. The Christian life doesn’t work that way. I can’t control God. No one can. Father, free me from the illusion of control. Enable me to know how it is that in each moment, I can be empowered by You, transformed by Your Spirit, and shaped by Your hand. That would be a very good thing.

A Window into Spiritual Direction

2009-03-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

“Reginald Somerset Ward (d. 1962), a leading Anglican spiritual director, somewhere summed up the essential qualities of an effective spiritual guide, or director, this way: One pound of spiritual direction is made up of eight ounces of prayer, three ounces of theology, three ounces of common sense, and two ounces of psychology.” (Dr. Bruce Demarest. Soul Guide. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2003, p. 182.)

That's a great recipe for being a wise spiritual mentor to others...

C. S. Lewis and Spiritual Direction

2009-03-10T06:30:00.000-07:00

“For C.S. Lewis, spiritual direction asks, (1) 'What is God's joy for me?' (2) What is my present duty?' and (3) What is real?'” (Dr. Bruce Demarest. Soul Guide. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2003, p. 49.)

Living with these three questions for a while would be energizing and clarifying. They would be worth reflecting on in journaling for a few entries...

Staring at the Invisible--Part two

2009-03-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 4:16-18, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

“Do I believe that my troubles are light and momentary? Why or why not?” (17a) The longer I stare at my troubles, the heavier and longer-lasting they seem to me. The more I learn to see my troubles against the backdrop of Your weighty glory and Your vast eternity, the lighter and temporary they seem. Compared to eternity, whatever frustrations, disappointments, hardships, irritations, pains and other troubles I face today are not as overwhelming as I'm tempted to make them. There will come a day when I will look back on my hard months and years and wonder how I could have focused so much attention on my experiences rather than on God's gracious Presence. From that vantage point, I will already know the remarkable, weighty good that will have been done in my soul as a result of these places through which I walk now.

“Do I see the connection between my momentary troubles and the overwhelmingly eternal glory that they are achieving for me?” (17b) Often, in the midst of my troubles, I have not been able to see this connection. Hindsight is clearer than “in-the-midst” sight. Father, please keep drawing my attention to You. Give me eyes to see the unseen.

“Where have I been fixing my gaze lately--on seen things, or on unseen things? Am I giving more attention to the visible temporary or to the invisible eternal? (18) Even with all these meaningful sentences written in my journal, I know that I am quick to evaluate my life by what I think of it or how I feel about it. I tend to become locked in the box of my five senses and my intellect to try to make sense of life. I trust You, Father, to guide me further on this eternal, invisible path of Yours.

Memories for a Thirty-Year HS Reunion

2009-03-06T06:30:00.000-08:00

I have been becoming Facebook friends with a number of fellow 1979 graduates from El Camino High School in Sacramento. We’re getting ready to get together this summer for our thirtieth-reunion. I’m glad to say that I really don’t feel that old.

Touching bases with a lot of friends and acquaintances from those days has brought back many memories. Those of you who have known me post-high school may be a little surprised. Those of you who have known me as a pastor probably haven't heard some of these, but in the interest of honesty, here are a few:

Being the invisible freshman in geometry. I remember a number of upper classmen looking at the posted individual point totals for all of the geometry classes that semester. A couple of guys much bigger than me saw my name at the top and said, “Fadling? Who’s Fadling?”
Being part of the math club (freshman or sophomore year) who hand soldered an Imsai 8080 processor kit. Talk about nerd heaven.
Driving my first car, a “baby diaper orange” 1972 Ford Pinto around Carmichael, blaring my stereo (which was, by the way, worth more than the car itself). Played a lot of Earth, Wind and Fire and other funky stuff mostly.
Lots of good times rafting the American River from Sunrise down to Sarah court. Lots of time hanging out at San Juan rapids jumping off the little cliffs there.
Playing “China Grove” for an all-school assembly with Pat Boylan & Mike Malaney. Terrifying and exhilarating, especially my guitar solo in the middle.
Playing guitar with our garage band, Stormbound (also with Pat and Mike). We played quite a few parties in that season. Go “Stairway to Heaven.”
My stupid bad temper, and literally kicking Brian Sakamoto in the rear in P.E. when he beat me to a volleyball we were both chasing. He had every reason to beat the crap out of me (but didn’t).
More bad temper when, of all things, I missed a point in P.E. badminton (such a dangerous sport!), broke an aluminum-handled racquet on the back of my neck, and experiencing the opposite-but-equal reaction of half the handle ending up driven into my chin. Coach Christopolos: “Go to the nurse’s office, Fadling.”
School dances. I remember one when my favorite song (again, China Grove) came on. I decided my big finale would be to do a dive from up on a table onto the ground. I seriously underestimated my arm strength and split my chin wide open. No stitches…just a carefully placed band-aid.
Going from one of the smallest in my class (freshman/sophomore year) to one of the taller (junior/senior year) after a crazy growth spurt one summer. (I kept growing after high school another 3 or 4 inches—6’ 3” now).
A lot of funny memories working at the Magic Tunnel Car Wash at Mission and El Camino. Water wars in the slow times. Trying to hide from customers at closing time, pretending we were closed, because I wanted to get off. Ridiculous!
Being painfully shy most of my high school years. I mean painfully shy! Did I mention painfully?
Feeling really dumb at the end of my senior year when lots of the cool guys and cute girls from my class wrote nice things in my yearbook and I realized they weren’t that different from me.
Attending a few Christian concerts sponsored by the Warehouse Ministries in Rancho Cordova, including one on September 28, 1978 by the jazz group Seawind that changed my life forever.
I remember Mike Bottenfield, Andre Pichly and the Young Life group from those El Camino days.

Staring at the Invisible--Part one

2009-03-04T06:30:00.000-08:00

2 Corinthians 4:16-18, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Perhaps a few questions come to mind as you read these sentences. Here are mine:

“Paul says he doesn’t lose heart. How does he pull that off?” [16a]. I think it’s because of “grace that is reaching more and more people and causing thanksgiving to overflow to God’s glory (15)." The spread of God’s grace is a constant reminder to Paul of his own deep experience of grace. I find myself grateful for ways that God’s generosity has spread from that early Christian community all the way to the present—and to me. I trust that the stream of God’s grace will continue to flow through me into each relationship, each opportunity, and each good work He lays before me.

“In what ways am I wasting away outwardly?” [16b] Here's a question I'd just as soon avoid. As I find myself closer to fifty than forty, I certainly notice little aches and pains now that I never had my teens, twenties or thirties. I’m grateful to be in about the best I’ve been in my adult life, that doesn’t change the reality that I don’t have the same body as back in high school. My hearing isn't as sharp. I need reading glasses. My knees complain after I’ve been running a while. If I've allowed my sense of identity to be rooted in this outward part of me, aging would be a mortal blow. But, I'm learning that my truest self is just a little deeper than that.

“Am I experiencing daily renewal of my inner being? How?” [16c] Sometimes I sense this renewal...and sometimes I don't. Father, are You renewing me at levels that I cannot see? I guess if eternal things are invisible, then it makes sense that inward renewal might sometimes go unseen as well? Father, I welcome Your renewing work in my mind, heart, soul and spirit. Give me a new heart. Cause my faith to resonate more with what is true and good. And I must thank You, Father, for the fruits of renewal that I can see over the last thirty-some years I have trusted You. You have enabled me to move from brash self-confidence to a quieter confidence in You. You have shown me what it means to trust You for my very existence that I wouldn't have thought possible even a few years ago. I'm grateful for Your gifts of wisdom and insight that seem to be growing in me with age.

What to Do in a Bad Economy

2009-03-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

If you’re like me, you haven’t enjoyed watching our economy do a freefall. Some of us have lost jobs, many have lost value in their investments. We know that the nation has survived tougher moments in the past, but that doesn’t always feel helpful in the present. Recently, I read a line from another serious economic downturn, this one a few thousands years ago:

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (NIV)
17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

This is as close to a depression as you probably get in an agrarian community.

In these verses, Habakkuk uses “though...yet” language to describe his life. “Though” is his disappointment with how his life has turned out. “Though” is seeing his hopes and dreams evaporate like a morning mist. “Though” says he was expecting one thing, but received far less. “Though” says he made a large investment and got a small return. Everywhere Habakkuk looked, he saw another "though." The fig trees, grape vines and olive trees haven’t borne much fruit at all. The fields haven’t been any better--few crops at best. Something has happened to his animals. The sheep and cattle are gone. Maybe they died. Maybe they wandered off because he couldn't feed them.

But I'm grateful that his “though” doesn’t end his story or even shape his response. Instead, he follows his “though” with a “yet.” “Yet” I will find joy in God. “Yet” says that his response is not determined by his meager circumstances. “Yet” says that God is there when good returns aren’t. In the midst of dire and disappointing circumstances, "yet" is looking away from disappointments and to a good God Who inspires joy in his heart.

What does Habakkuk see in God to raise the “yet” in his heart? What is it about God that inspires joy in Habakkuk’s heart in the midst of very disappointing and discouraging circumstances?

First, Habakkuk remembers that God is his Savior. He rescues us in the midst of situations that have turned for the worse. He’s better than any economic stimulus package.

Next, he remembers that God is Sovereign. God is over all my "thoughs." They haven’t surprised Him. They don’t even really disappoint Him (since disappointment implies He was expecting something else to occur). He is Lord over fruitless trees and barren fields, just as much as He is Lord over trees weighed down with an overwhelming harvest.

Finally, he recognizes that God is his Strength. In this very weak place in his journey, this place that tempts him to hang his head in defeat, God strengthens him. But for what specifically does God strengthen him? What is he strengthened to be able to do? Habakkuk says that God makes him have the feet of a deer—feet that can climb up to the heights.

The difficult places of our lives can feel like impassible territory. We seem to be faced with a path that is just impossible for us to take. Faced with those paths, God gives us feet that can do what looks impossible.

I realize that happy and pleasant circumstances (unlike Habakkuk’s) offer a different set of temptations than distressing, unfulfilling ones. On the one hand, I’m tempted to pride, self-satisfaction and complacency. On the other, I’m tempted to discouragement, complaining, envy and despair. Either way, when circumstances are my focus, I’m in problem territory. Whatever the circumstances, God invites me to look to Him and find my joy in Him. Let’s look at that “yet” one more time:

18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

Simple Counsel

2009-02-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

In my study today, I came across this good piece of spiritual direction. You might want to read it slowly...and once more after that...

“Rest content with the knowledge that [Christ] is His own Person, and with the Father and the Holy Spirit, is in your soul, substantially, really, literally; that He does everything you do with you, from the humblest duties to the highest. Your whole devotional life should consist in this companionship, accepted without ceremony, without intellectual or emotional effort, simply possessed and enjoyed, in perfect calmness and tranquility. You are to say nothing to our Lord except that which comes of itself, and that in the most homely words.” (Abbé Henri de Tourville. Letters of Direction. Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing, 1939, 2001, p. 78.)

Man that's good!

A Rainy Day at Fuller

2009-02-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

I had the fun of driving past more accidents in one trip than I can remember in a long time this morning. We southern Californians really go nuts when it rains. We just don’t know how to drive in it! I drove up to Pasadena to speak in Julie Gorman’s “Adult Spiritual Formation” class. My presentation, “Much More Fruitful: “Understanding the Pruning Places That Bring About Greater Life and Ministry Fruit,” was one I’ve been sharing in that class since the mid-1990s). And that’s right—Fuller students did not get President’s Day off!

One of the treats of this annual visit is that I get a treat to the Fuller Bookstore (angels singing in the background). Want to know what new “toys” I picked up? I can’t necessarily endorse all of them yet since some just grabbed my eye today, but here is the list:

Macrina Wiederkehr. Seven Sacred Pauses: Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day. Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2008. I’ve enjoyed reading a few of her other books, including A Tree Full of Angels. This one is a creative presentation of the classic “Divine Hours” of monastic practice. It’s a tradition I’ve found encouraging and nourishing.
Wendell Berry. Life is a Miracle. I’m grateful for my friend, Paul Kaak, turning me on to this author. Little by little, I’m trying to read everything he’s written. This one subtitled “An Essay Against Modern Superstition” (on scientific reductionism, apparently).
David Bosch. A Spirituality of the Road. My colleague, Paul Jensen, has mention this little book in some of his Journey presentations. It offers another look at integrating spiritual formation and missional engagement.
Wilkie Au & Noreen Cannon Au. The Discerning Heart: Exploring the Christian Path. My other colleague, Wil Hernandez, has spoken highly of Au’s writings, but this will be my first taste. I’m looking forward to it.
Scot McKnight. Fasting. I teach a module on this spiritual discipline for Hope International University in Fullerton. I thought this would help me continue to learn.
Bradley P. Holt. Thirsty For God: A Brief History Of Christian Spirituality. Having thoroughly enjoyed Philip Sheldrake’s A Brief History of Spirituality, I wanted to read a couple of others. This one and the next in the list caught my eye.
Richard J. Woods. Christian Spirituality: God’s Presence through the Ages.
Susan S. Phillips. Candlelight: Illuminating the Art of Spiritual Direction (Spiritual Directors International). Because of my growing engagement in providing spiritual direction to Christian leaders, I wanted to pick up this title that a friend recommended.

(And, by the way, Gem took the picture above. Keep an eye for other offerings from her. She has been hungry to learn more about the craft of photography and, if I may be so biased, has a natural gift for it.)

Abundance Flows from God’s Presence

2009-02-12T07:00:00.000-08:00

I finished reading the prophet Ezekiel yesterday (and finished my two-year stroll through the Bible). I came upon one of my favorite chapters in that book (chapter 47). It is the image of a temple from which flows a river that miraculously produces fruit trees in the desert and brings the Dead Sea back to life. Listen:

Ezekiel 47:12, “Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear fruit, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing."

This verse describes the affect of the river that flows from the temple down to the Dead Sea. Where the water flows, everything lives. In new covenant terms, I see a reference to my own life as the temple (or our shared life in community) and the river as God’s very presence filling and overflowing us for the benefit of others.

There is rich variety of fruit (“fruit trees of all kinds”). This is not the same old manna every day in the desert. This is a rich assortment of the richest of fruit for our enjoyment and our sustenance.

There is verdant foliage (“their leaves will not wither”). I think here of the appearance of our countenance. Do I look alive or look like I’m dying. Is there a brightness to my demeanor or a dullness. Am I withering or thriving? The river of God enlivens me continually.

There is abundant and continual fruit (“nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear fruit…”). With the Lord, there is no season of famine. Month by month I have all that I need.

There is plentiful nourishment (“Their fruit will serve for food”). The Lord knows what I need, and the river of God provide it.

There is healing provided (“and their leaves for healing.”). As I am in a healing process, the river provides healing herbs that will make my healthy and whole. I welcome this.

All of this comes as a result of the river that flows from the temple. All that I need is a product of the living water that flows from the place of worship—the place of God’s very presence.

Thank You, Father, that I have all that I need for the journey. Amen.

Savoring the Cream of the Day

2009-02-10T08:10:00.001-08:00

Last night, I read an article written by Katie Goodman, “The 30-day E-mail Detox .” In it, she describes her experience of taking a 30-day break from all sending and receiving emails. I was impressed by a comment from her post-discipline reflections

I've noticed that when I begin the morning by checking e-mail, I don't create anything worth a damn all day; by the time I've slogged through my in-box, I'm tapped out. So I've started doing all my writing and brainstorming before I even log on. I can't remember the last time I had so much creative energy.

I’ve found the same to be true for myself. If I start my day piddling around with emails and Facebook and internet news sites and such, I rarely accomplish much creative, productive work. I’m learning (and sometimes slowly) that if I would like to draw on my best creative energy of the day, I would do well to resist the temptation to reach for my iPhone upon waking (it’s my alarm clock, too) to “quickly clear out email.”

C. S. Lewis, in one of his many letters, complained about a particular morning in which he handwrote ten replies to letters he had received. It took him until 11:25am. He said, “Not a stroke of my own work done and all the cream of the day gone. (Volume 3, p. 667)”

To preserve and keep my creativity focused, I see my mornings as the cream of my day. My mind and body have usually had the opportunity to be rested and ready. My basic assumption must be to capture my mornings for creative work.

This morning, for example, I read the last few chapters of Ezekiel on my iPhone rather than peeking at email or Facebook. If I didn’t see email until midmorning or even noon each day, that might be just the thing in view of the kind of creative work I need to do on writing projects, retreat resources, presentations and sermons.

Eyes Off Myself

2009-02-08T13:30:00.000-08:00

Friday, I led a small group in a Come Away day retreat at the Immaculate Heart Retreat (near downtown L.A. and Griffith Park). The rainy day made for more of a sense of enclosure with the Lord than usual. I spent some of my solitude time reviewing some practical Christian counsel from Henri de Tourville, a famous 19th century French spiritual director, on the difference between trying to overcome faults by focusing on them and overcoming faults by focusing on our Lord:

“From every point of view we gain infinitely more by looking at our Lord than by looking at ourselves. We shake off our faults more quickly and effectively when we adore our Lord than when we examine and criticize ourselves. On the human plane this is obvious, for we gain more by watching great and noble souls, than by shutting ourselves up in our own dreary dullness. We learn more and get more help from their simple vision than from all our own reasoning." (Abbé Henri de Tourville. Letters of Direction. Harrisburg: Morehouse Publishing, 1939, 2001, p. 58.)

As I journey through places of emotional healing and honesty, I can see how depression, anxiety, shortcomings, or fear tempt me to focus attention on my strong feelings rather than on the Lord Who is my hope, my peace, my Redeemer and Protector. When I’m tempted to focus on my performance, whether proudly on my perceived successes or timidly on my felt failures, God is inviting me instead to gaze on Him and see His continually good work in, around and even through me. He doesn’t want me preoccupied with my ideas about Him at the expense of failing to gaze upon Him.

Prayer, whatever shape it takes at this point in my journey, is becoming a simple directing of my attention always to God. Whether this happens in silence, in meditative reading of scripture, in community or in the midst of many other practices, a God-focused life is better than an improvement-focused life. Self-examination happens best in the light of noticing God and inviting the light of His Spirit to shine. Focusing on my failure leaves failure as my primary life vision. Instead, I can gaze on the Lord from the place of all my imperfections, failures and lapses and be transformed in such contemplation.

The focus of my Christian life is God Himself rather than what I do for God (or don’t) or how I live for God (or don’t).

“The soul gains very little from looking at itself. Such an occupation gives rise only to discouragement, preoccupation, distress, uncertainty, and illusion. Looking at our Lord, on the contrary, does us good and we are gradually transfigured by His personality and by the spirit of imitation." (Henri de Tourville, p. 59.)

What do I need that I cannot find in who Christ is and what He Himself provides from His own hands?

Never Impossible

2009-02-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

My youngest son often looks at a hard school assignment and says, “That’s impossible.” I’ve been trying to work with him to help him see that God can help him with the hard stuff. I then ran across a word from F. B. Meyer along these lines that helped me with the same challenge:

“…if only we would meet every call, difficulty, and trial, not saying, as we so often do, ‘I shall never be able to go through it,’ but saying, ‘I cannot’ but Christ is in me, and He can,’ we should find that all trials were intended to reveal and unfold the wealth hidden within us, until Christ was formed within us and His life manifested in our mortal body (Colossians 1:27).” (F. B. Meyer. The Secret of Guidance. Chicago: Moody Press, n.d., p. 43)

Every troubling and testing experience we face leads to a basic question: where am I looking? If I am looking at my capabilities (or, more often, my lack of capabilities), I will be tempted to either self-deprecation or self-reliance. Both are too small to weather the most challenging storms that attack us. Father, somehow teach me that my best first glance is to You. Christ, You are in me. What could be more true, more real, more powerful than that simple fact?

“You may be a prodigal or inconsistent child, but you are a child. If you were wise you would take the child’s place at the Father’s table and enjoy His smiles. They await you. But if you still remain out in the cold, as the elder brother in the parable did, you do not alter the fact that your place is ready for you to occupy when you will.” (Meyer, p. 48)

The words that describe what kind of child I am—obedient or disobedient, loyal or disloyal, godly or ungodly—do not change the fact that I am a child of a loving Father Who longs to enjoy fellowship with me. There is always a chair for me at my Father’s table. There is never a time when I am not invited to come, taste and eat of what He is providing me. Neither greedy excess or cold pride removes my seat from His table. But coming to Him always involves leaving something. Am I willing to leave so I can come?

When You Can't Pray for Yourself

2009-02-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

“When you cannot pray for yourself, begin to pray for others. When your desires flag, take the Bible in hand and begin to turn each text into petition; or take up the tale of your mercies, and begin to translate each of them into praise.” (F. B. Meyer. The Secret of Guidance. Chicago: Moody Press, n.d., p. 31)

This is what I read just before my response to Matthew 9 shared in the last blogpost. F. B. Meyer served me as a wise spiritual director in a place of felt dullness and disconnectedness in prayer. I imagined sitting together with him. What might he have actually said in counseling me?

"Alan, if you don't feel you can pray for yourself, let God bring the concerns and needs of others to mind. Let your heart be turned inside-out to extend grace to others in prayer. Don’t let your life stay small.

"And do you find that your heart just isn't 'in it?' Take a text and let each verse become a point of connection with God. Respond to Him. Pray honestly just what you think and feel in the moment. Talk to Him about what matters to you, what concerns you, what involves you. Be patient and persistent. Be there and stay there with God. You won't be sorry if you persevere. You may well be if you don't try.

"Do you need a sort of jump start of the heart? Let the Spirit surface in your thoughts and feelings a remembrance of His many mercies--present and past. Let Him raise the level of gratitude in you as you remember the many good things He has done on your behalf."

Praying Scripture

2009-01-30T07:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever decided to pray, sat down in God's presence, and come to discover you’re your mind or heart have failed to join you there? What do you do then? The post below comes from a journal entry of about ten years ago. It was my attempt to be faithful when I didn't find many thoughts or feelings of faith welling up within me. I read Matthew 9:14-26, then journaled my response:

Father, protect my heart from spiritual jealousy when it seems other disciples have it easier than me. Keep me from the trap of resenting the spiritual disciplines into which You lead me, especially when You don’t seem to be leading anyone else the same way. I am tempted to feel ripped off. In reality, You are making space in me for Your remarkably gracious and fulfilling Presence. Teach me to welcome Your discipline, whether difficult or easier, as another expression of Your love for me. I want to remember that You only discipline Your own children.

Keep me fresh and responsive to the new things that You are doing in and around me. May I never become like an old garment that can’t be restored by the new thing You are doing. May I never become so inflexible and rigid that I cannot welcome the renewing, restoring work of Your Spirit. May I never become so stiff and unbending that I cannot receive and embrace the new wine of Your Spirit’s work among Your people. May You keep me new and elastic in response to Your current work in Your church and in Your world.

Give me faith that even when it seems something I have longed for from You has become impossible, You are the One Who raises the dead and does the impossible. May I never label anything “impossible” in the presence of the Almighty. One touch from Your hand brings life where there was death, joy where there was depression, peace where there was anxiety, patience where there once was harshness, abundance where there was loss. May I become confident that Jesus will take action on my concerns in prayer in His good time.

Give me compassion and attentiveness to those who suffer. May I always be willing to set aside my planned agenda for whatever I might do to bless or help another. May I receive interruptions as opportunities. May I be a person who has something to say or do that will bring grace and power into each situation. Grant me confidence in You in the face of deep, long-standing suffering that people bring my way.

Enable me to see with eyes of faith what the crowds cannot see. Enable me to trust Your power and grace to be able to do more than I or anyone can imagine. May I not listen to the voices of the mockers and doubters. Give me simple confidence in You like Jesus had in You. May many come to find Your grace and power at work in and through me.

In Search of Guidance

2009-01-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

One of the best little books on the theme of guidance that I’ve ever read was written by F. B. Meyer over 100 years ago: The Secret of Guidance. Here are just a few insights that I found helpful:

“How much of our Christian work has been abortive because we have persisted in initiating it for ourselves, instead of ascertaining what God was doing and where He required our presence!” (F. B. Meyer. The Secret of Guidance. Chicago: Moody Press, n.d., p. 7)

Have things changed that much in one hundred years? It is so easy for us to persist in trying to make something happen for God, rather than to discern what God is making happen already and joining Him there.

I find myself praying, “Father, enable me to discern Your work in the situations and in the lives of those around me. Show me how I might join You in what You are already doing.”

“There is all the difference between a will that is extinguished and one that is surrendered. God does not demand that our wills should be crushed, like the sinews of a fakir’s unused arms. He only asks that we should say ‘Yes’ to Him. We ought to be as pliant to Him as the willow twig is to the practiced hand.” (Meyer. p. 13)

[A fakir was an Indian mystic who often refused food to the point of near starvation]. There is a great difference between a broken will and a abandoned will. God does not wish to crush our will, but rather to bring its strength under the guidance of His mighty hand. He doesn’t so much desire our “I quit, Lord” as much as He does our “I am willing, Lord” and “Your will be done, Lord.”

“One good form of prayer at [a time of change and crisis] is to ask that doors may be shut, that the way be closed, and that all enterprises that are not according to God’s will may be arrested at their very beginning.” (Meyer, p. 16)

This seems like a good prayer to pray in times of transition. I would be grateful if You would keep me from walking very far down the road that dead-ends.

Lessons from a Pine Cone

2009-01-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

About ten years ago, The Leadership Institute offered a few Saturday retreats we called Introduction to a Journey. They were a precursor to our Come Away day retreats these days.

During my own solitude time at one of the days that was held at Concordia University in Irvine, I remembered picking up a pinecone. God seemed to use as an illustration of where I was at in my journey. The one I picked up was already brown, dried-up and open . . . therefore the seeds had already fallen out. I realized that when the pinecone is young and green, it is closed up on itself and therefore will not reproduce. It must dry up and open up before it can deeply share its life with others.

When our journey takes us through “a dry and weary land where there is no water (Psalm 63:1)”, we may feel weary and discouraged. We may be tempted to close ourselves off from God and others in such a place. We feel we have little to give. We must learn instead to open our thoughts, our feelings and our whole inner life to others as God guides us. Perhaps Jesus' words in John 12:24-25 have something to say to us in such a place?

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

A pinecone that demands the right to remain closed up on itself remains preserved, but alone. But if it does dry up and open itself to release the life within it, it produces many seeds to grow many other pine trees that can share their own life with others. May I not love my life so as to lose it, but rather forget about my life in this world so as to keep eternity in my heart and mind.

A Deeper Work of God

2009-01-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

[The insights below come from a journey entry of about 10 years ago. I hope they are helpful to you...]

I have found insight and wisdom for my journey with Christ in the writings of John of the Cross, that sixteenth-century spiritual director, especially when he talks about “the dark night of the soul”. In my work as a spiritual director, it is a practical theme I address often. How do we respond in prayer when God seems to have taken a hiatus? How do we respond when our familiar experiences of God disappear into the mist? How do we go forward when all we seem to see ahead is fog?

I’ve found help from Gerald May in Care of Mind/Care of Spirit. I’ve learned from him that these dark night places are doing a work that is deeper than our experiences of emotion, thought or action. In some ways, it might be more helpful to call the “dark night” a non-experience. It is this process of unknowing that I find so challenging. I have put such stock in being able to understand and explain things. This dark place seems impossible to verbalize. I fear that I will never come back from this place, that I am doomed to darkness and unknowing forever. It feels so vast and unending. But, such a place may very well be God’s way of detaching me from my human confidences and my ugly pride. God may be showing me just how desperately I need Him—how I can truly do nothing apart from Him.

The loss of familiar experiences—the landmarks of my spiritual journey by which I’ve measured my progress—are gone. In the unlearning, what am I learning?

I learn not to cling to even spiritual pleasures. • Experiences of spiritual insight, pleasure or direction that once seemed common seem to taken from me. Oswald Chambers describes a period in his life when the Bible was the most dull and uninteresting book in existence—a time when he felt no conscious communion with God. Earlier in my journey, there were times when I felt almost drunk with spiritual pleasures and insights in God’s presence. The sense of reward and consolation when coming into God’s presence was overwhelming. I realize now that there were a lot of ways that my self-love and self-importance attached itself to these pleasures. I sometimes (perhaps often) became proud and thought I was “really something for God”. No wonder God needs to wean me from such ugly attachments.

I learn not to cling to past ambitions and impulses • I used to feel so much more confident and sure of myself. I thought I knew exactly what I was doing. I had satisfying and hopeful dreams for my future—both immediate and long-term. So much of that seems to have been taken from me (or perhaps it is me who has been taken from it). I often find it difficult to find motivation and feel misunderstood by others. Why should they understand what is happening in my life if I’m not even sure?

A sense of “losing my faith” • I think of how pat my answers were earlier in my journey. I knew them all and was happy to share them with anyone who was smart enough to listen. That kind of pride seems so gross to me now. I had God and His kingdom neatly categorized and homogenized…therefore it wasn’t so much God and His kingdom that I was dealing with as much my own ideas about Him. How merciful You have been with me, Father.

A change in my perception of God • One image of God that I deeply believed in was the God Who always makes me look wise and always give me success that is visible to others. I don’t recall where I thought I found such a description of God in the scriptures. I believed that God was the God Who granted me favor against or over others. I compared myself to others and used God as the One Who tipped the scale my way. Self-interest baptized into Christian service.

A change in my sense of identity • I once saw myself as the spiritual leader who others admired and looked up to…a real hero of the faith. I was able to endure great personal crises with little or no visible distress. I secretly loved the attention given me by those who thought so much of me. The dark night is the place where such self-deception dies.

Father, again this becomes a moment of clarity in which I can see just a little of what You are doing and have been doing in me. You accomplish deep within me what I could never accomplish for myself. In the truest sense, the dark night is Your intervention for my salvation. In the secret places, I have been resistant to You. I have run from You. I have failed to seek You, but have sought almost every and anything else. Forgive me, Father. Protect me from swinging from self-absorption to self-rejection. Self-promotion and self-degradation both prevent me from simply seeing Jesus.

90 Days of Discipline

2009-01-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

[You can read my earlier blogposts on this theme in parts one , two and three ]

Today marks my ninetieth day straight of getting out for an hour of exercise, whether running, biking, hiking, kayaking or hitting the gym. There have been many days when I had to push through a great deal of inertia to get out of the house. The main focus has been on exercise. I haven’t been nearly intentional about my eating until about the last week or two. (I have tended to eat better as a result of the daily exercise)

What have been the results?
• I have lost about 25 pounds since I started.
• I have lost between 2” and 4” each on my chest, belly, waist and hips. (I’m wearing pants that had been collecting dust for years in my closet!)
• I have a great deal more energy, stamina and emotional well-being.
• I’ve learned a lot about the nature of discipline.

So what’s next? Some of you have followed my journel on Facebook and know that I’ve been posting daily status updates on this discipline. Today’s “90/90” status update will be the last of that kind. My goal for 2009 is to continue regular exercise, but not necessarily daily. I am needing to give my joints a rest day here and there. That’s only wise. My intention is the continue exercising six days a week in the same manner (and seven when my schedule allows). I am going to begin to add strength training twice a week to my plan as well. I’ve been tracking my eating on livestrong.com (on my iPhone), not so much as a diet plan as an awareness practice. I’ve needed to notice what I eat, how much I eat and when I eat. It’s also helped to see how many calories were in that Mimi’s Café burger I shared with Gem on Wednesday (yikes!).

One other insight has been that when I feel my resolve waning and the temptation to give up on my intention, it has helped to remember what it is that I really want. I want to honor God with my body. Treating it well and working it hard has felt like one means to that end.

And in these 90 days I have not been sick once. (And I’ve felt a cold try to come on quite a few times). I don’t believe in magic, but my regular exercise has improved my immunity greatly. I also realize that if I saved myself even one cold, I probably got back most of my exercise time right there!

On Facebook, I now plan to put up a weekly update as I will be tracking my 2009 goal to workout 320 of 365 days. Stay tuned…

What Do We Expect From Prayer?

2009-01-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I led another of our Come Away day retreats (in Los Angeles). It was a beautiful, clear, warm winter day. It is one of the graces of Southern California living, I know!

Toward the end of our four hours of solitude with the Lord, I had what seemed to me to be a word from God. He drew me to a familiar prayer of Paul in Ephesians:

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” --Ephesians 3:16-19 (TNIV),

I imagined myself training a staff team and asking this question:

“What would you expect to happen in the lives of Christian for whom you prayed this prayer regularly? What changes in their lives, their relationships and their work would you anticipate?”

How would I answer such a question? What would I envision as fruit of such a prayer?

God generously and richly strengthening us with inward S/spiritual power (16).
More and more vital, robust interior lives that give evidence to Christ’s real presence dwelling in each of us and among all of us who trust Him (17a).
Inward empowerment that enables His indwelling our lives and communities.
Actions, words and attitudes of our lives saturated and grounded in genuine, selfless love for God and one another (17b).
Loving lives and communities that enable us, together, to more fully grasp the vast dimensions of Christ love for us and for His world (18).
A greater perception of what we can never fully comprehend, that Christ is committed to our good, delighted in our lives and pleased to call us brothers and sisters (19a).
The outcome that we are filled in every way and to every degree with God’s own fullness (19b).

If God answered this simple prayer for the community of God’s people in our particular church community, we couldn’t keep people from coming and staying. We wouldn’t be inviting them to a program, a service or a meeting, but to a people in whom God is richly, powerfully and lovingly present. Father, may the grace of this prayer find places to bear fruit among us. Amen.

Vision and Prayer for a New Year

2008-12-31T07:56:00.000-08:00

On the eve of a new year, I find myself reflecting on the hard year behind and wondering about the challenges of the year ahead. It makes me wonder about how much lasting fruit my work will produce.
A few years ago, I reflected on and prayed a passage from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians. It’s a good word for me to remember in this transition time:

[Praying 1 Corinthians 3:10-23]

“By the grace You have given me, Father, I have ministered in the lives of others—laying the foundation of Jesus Christ and building on that foundation. Please grow my skill in building like You do. I’m so grateful for the honor of building in the lives of men and women over the years. Grant that the materials we use to build in the lives of others are eternal ones—like gold, silver and precious stone. Make me careful as to how I build in my own life and in the lives of others. 11 There is no foundation on which the Christian life can be built other than Jesus. None.

Jesus, I’m so glad that I find my security, my stability and the reference point of my life in You. Everything I am and everything I do flows from You. 12 Enable me to know how to build in my life and into the lives of others using eternal, lasting materials. I don’t want to live according to my own insight or by conventional wisdom—even when that wisdom finds wide agreement among popular Christian speakers and writers. 13 I realize that everything I do will face the test of eternity. This world’s wisdom and its results won’t pass that test. I long for what I am building to survive into eternity. 14 I want to experience the joy of seeing that You were at work in and through me in ways that resulted in fruit that would last. 15 It would be heartbreaking to find that much of what my life has been about has only been temporary and passing.

16 I realize that we are Your temple and that Your Spirit lives in us—in me. The structure that we’re about building is a place of worship first and foremost. It is not first a place of commerce or of busy working. It is a place to honor and acknowledge You and You alone as God. No idols. No false gods. 17 May anyone who seeks to damage or destroy this temple realize they are contending with You. It is a place where You dwell and where You are honored. It is a sacred place. The body of Christ is just such a place.

18 I want to be free of all self-deception, Father. I don’t want to lean on or be measured by the standard of wisdom this world treasures or affirms. It would be better to be considered a fool by the world around me if that meant I was truly wise by a heavenly standard. 19 This world’s wisdom is foolish when seen in the light of Your majestic presence. You make conventional wisdom look puny and meaningless. You always catch us when we try to outsmart You. 20 You know that the thoughts of the know-it-alls are going to end in nothing. 21 May I cease to boast in anyone or anything other than You. I may be tempted to boast that I know this important person, or I’m a part of that person’s group. I may boast about this achievement or that endorsement, but it is meaningless when I realize that in Christ I have a share—an inheritance—in everything that is. 22 If Paul, Apollos or Peter would have belonged to me if I was a first-century Christian, then surely I have access to any believer today, no matter how popular they might be. They are my brothers and fathers in the faith. We are part of the same family. Enable me to realize the truth of who I am…who we are. Thank You that the world and life and the present and future are all mine because I’m Yours. And since Christ is God’s so I am, too. Father, You have been so good to me! Amen.”

Economy Got You Worried?

2008-12-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

You’ve probably been tempted to worry in the face of the financial crunch many of us are facing. Remember when the dot-com bubble popped in 2000/2001? We saw some of our investments lose a great deal of their value. At the time, I remember finding a lot of help praying Jesus’ words about worry from Matthew 6. Seemed like a good time to post them again:

Thank You, Jesus, that there is no good reason to worry about my life. You faithfully provided my family and me everything we need to eat, drink and wear. I have yet to go hungry or naked. Life is more than what keeps my body alive and warm. I find life in You, Lord. 26 Out my window, I hear a bird peeping. I see two sparrows fly by. I see a mockingbird. The sound of birdsongs expands as I give attention to them. And I don’t see birds planting gardens or harvesting crops. I see them flying about or landing on the ground, then finding the food they need. God has even used us to feed some of the hummingbirds in our neighborhood. None of these birds seems worried about their provision or their future. Thanks that You care for them…and for me even more. I mean more to You than these beautiful birds. And thank You, Jesus, for two doves that often rest on the fence below me here. You love and care for me. 27 When I worry, I never actually improve my life--not even a little bit. Worry doesn’t make my life any longer or better. In fact, the opposite is more often true. Worry shortens and sours me.

28 I have sometimes worried that my clothes aren’t as fashionable as the ones others wear here in Orange County. But as I look at the beauty of the flowering trees visible from my window, I realize that You are the One Who makes me attractive…and not by what I wear. Beauty is not a matter of my work, but of Your grace. 29 You do better and more beautiful work with simple things like field flowers than even the finest designers of human fashion can do at their best. And I am in Your hands, Father. 30 It amazes me that You give such beauty to flowers whose lifespan can be measured in hours or days—flowers that may never be seen by a single human eye. Thanks for how You beautify my life and make it truly attractive. I entrust myself to Your work in this way, Father. Grow my simple trust in You.

31 So, Father, as You enable me, I will not worry about my food, my drink, my clothing or any other basic needs. 32 To worry in this way would make me little better than the one who does not even know You. If I’m chasing after money so I can buy what I think I need, I am denying that You are my Provider. I am saying by my actions that You don’t know what I need…or that You don’t care. 33 So rather than running after “things I need”, I will instead seek first Your reign and Your right. Everything else will fall into its proper place if I do this. 34 I will not worry about tomorrow…or the rest of the week. I will not worry about tasks that need my attention or upcoming appointments. All I have is today to live. So may I live Jesus in it.

(Praying Matthew 6:25-34)

When the Well Runs Dry

2008-12-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

I’ve taken the title of this blogpost from a book by the same name written by Thomas H. Green. It is well worth the read.

On this theme, Laura Swan describes an experience that many of us who have been Christians very long can recognize:

“Often the early years of our spiritual journey are filled with wonderful experiences of God. Great strides are made in prayer and personal transformation, the very near presence of God seems to be with us daily, and the miraculous is seen. Then the journey seems to get harder. Growth and transformation come to frustrating dead ends; prayer seems dry and pointless. Friends, at best, fail to understand us and too often abandon us—family can too. Sometimes it seems that God has abandoned us.” (Laura Swan. The Forgotten Desert Mothers. New York: Paulist Press, 2001, p. 50.)

God blessed my earliest years of Christian life with an emotionally rich, encouraging, affirming sense of His presence. I remember wondering why every Christian didn’t feel God’s presence like I did. I was tempted to compare myself with them and find myself a few notches up the spirituality ladder. It was typical spiritual immaturity.

With this in mind, why in the world would we take new Christians with some special gift or experience of God and move them so quickly into positions of influence? We assume that dramatic experiences with God are marks of maturity. Might they actually be marks of spiritual youth? Are we trying to vicariously extend our own dramatic experience of God? Why not, instead, focus our attention on God Himself, felt or unfelt, and celebrate the gifts of young faith without envying or coveting?

What Swan is saying here speaks to the very place I find myself in this season. I miss emotionally charged experiences of God. I miss the ease of prayer when God’s presence feels very near every day. I miss witnessing the obviously miraculous acts of God. My journey has become harder. I often feel at dead ends…or at least dry ones. I don’t “get as much” out of praying as I once did.

Father, I offer this simple journal entry to You as prayer. Perhaps I have been trying to pray as I can’t anymore. Perhaps I’m using methods that aren’t as fitting as they were in earlier places of my journey. I tend to remain stuck in old methods for fear of the unknown of a more receptive approach to prayer.

But it is the contemplative that I believe is most fitting for me now. I need to be careful that I don’t find myself seeking a new place of felt presence by changing my methods. I recognize, from my reading and experience, that contemplative prayer tends to be very simple and not very dramatic. Lately, sitting in silence is mostly trying to be present and still before God in the midst of the onslaught of distracting thoughts, emotions and even physical sensations. This is what I need though. This is the invitation I sense from God.